Monday, January 31, 2011

And the winner is…

You guys must have not watched much “Beverly Hills, 90210” growing up like I did, because only 5 of you voted in the poll! The winner with 80% of the votes was Dylan (the only other vote was for Brandon-from my mom, who said Dylan was a “whiny bitch”). Hopefully more of you will vote this week!

Today ends the contest I have been holding for the last few weeks. If you’ll recall I was doing the contest originally as a push to 50, and the entry was to send me a healthy recipe. Well I hit 50 SO FAST that I only got one recipe entry, and that one was from Odie at The Simple Life. As a result I offered to send him a magnet (part of the giveaway) as thanks. Well, I’ve been a bum, and I haven’t sent him the magnet yet. I’M SO LAZY!!!

Yesterday I shot him this e-mail:

Odie,

Please don’t think I have forgotten you!

I have been poor these last few weeks-so your magnet is being mailed this week along with the winner’s things for the contest when it ends Monday.

Sorry for being a bum!

Hed

Odie’s awesome (and hopefully patient) because he hasn’t chewed me out for not sending him his magnet. Anyway, today the contest ended. Woo hoo! I grabbed the random number generator and put in 1-64 (thanks for the entries, y’all!):

So I grabbed my spreadsheet that I have been keeping track of daily, and look who is number 43!

HAHAHAHA! Congrats to Odie (again!) for winning ALL of the Australian loot! I have your address already so it will be send out this week.

I PROMISE!!! :)

As for the loot, it’s a small assortment of knick knacks I picked up before I left Australia…I hope you enjoy them Odie!

This weekend was uneventful, except we got to have my niece stay over this weekend. She is the first girl in out family for 21 years, so she’s…a bit spoiled, to say the least (but honestly, all the grandkids are). But she is the best kid EVER! Yes, I’m biased, but she’s so mellow. All the nephews are so FULL of energy I just can’t keep up, but she just plays with her baby in her playhouse.

Because she was over everyone else in my family came over and my mom barbequed. I decided to try and bake some cinnamon apples using a new recipe, and damn they were good.

I weighed myself today, and I have gained 1.6 lbs. Ugh. Last week I told my mom “I’m going to fall over and die if I have lost weight”, and I ended up breaking even. I think my weight and cravings are cyclical woman-wise. There’s a week I’m not hungry at all, a week where I can control my cravings, a week where I splurge but try and balance it out, and a week where I don’t give a damn what goes in my body. Last week was week four!

So yeah, not much to report except I’m fatter…I’m trying to psych myself up to join the local gym but with my social anxiety starting to rear its ugly head whenever I think about walking into a gym and seeing people LOOK at me I start to panic. I haven’t been called in for any jobs yet, but even then the thought of talking to a stranger and puff myself up so I look like the perfect candidate is scary. It sucks because if you knew how I was, you would be really surprised that I am the way I am now.

Hope everyone has a good week!

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Thursday, January 27, 2011

This one’s about poop.

So my husband has a word he likes to use when I say things that apparently I shouldn’t be talking about in front of him.

“Babe? Mystique!

J expects me to be a lady at all times. That’s all well and good but…come on now. We’re married. I plan on spending 95% of my time around this man, and what the hell am I supposed to do? Wake up two hours early every morning, put on a full face of make-up and do my hair so he doesn’t see my zits as his glorious eyes awake to see the morning? I’m supposed to close the door when I pee? I thought that’s why you get married in the first place!

While we’re apart, J and I talk on webcam every day. This means he usually sees me in PJ’s with my hair in a ponytail and no make-up, since I’m chillin’ at home. Well yesterday we were talking when my stomach made an angry growl. “Babe, I don’t feel well all of a sudden”, I tell him. About an hour later I tell him I think I have to end our conversation because I have the big “D”. He gets all huffy and says “really, Hed? You needed to tell me that?

Since I was an infant I’ve had stomach problems. I remember being five and in the ER where I had to poo in a cup. Something about my intestines not being up to par as they should be. Anyway, my stomach and I are not friends. I’ve had stomach problems for so long it’s just kind of a regular occurrence. You would think my husband would have caught that by now, but nooooooo.

I can totally see where bodily functions would be really embarrassing on a first date, or maybe your first night alone with a guy. I remember being on vacation with my best friend Al in Mammoth back in the day where we were kind of double-dating and I was so sick I had to make her stop the car like three times. Great first impression, Hed. But other than that, it’s no big deal. I’ve been taught that it’s no big deal.

My mom has actually said “you know it’s love when a man feels comfortable to fart in front of you”, and I kind of believe that! I once had a boyfriend that lived next door to his parents. When he had to go and I was around, he would leave his house and go at his parents! Who does that? Even after I told him that it doesn’t bother me, if he ever had to even pass gas he would run outside. Um, okay.

So yesterday I was annoyed that my hubs was obviously perturbed that I told him I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve watched him puke. He’s my husband. It’s not like I brought the damn webcam in the bathroom with me! I think he wants to believe I poop rainbows.

Do you believe in mystique? Of course I want my hubs to always see me as that sexy bitch that can rip his clothes off with my teeth, but there’s a limit, right? I can’t be perfect (yeah right) and perky all the time! Next time I get sick, I think I’m going to tell him “I feel a rainbow coming on, baby!”

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Cooking with Rox!

My long-lost Aunt Roxy (my dad’s sister), as I have said many times, has more creativity in a hair on her damn head than I do in my whole body. She recently revamped her blog The Artful Rabbit to show everything and the kitchen sink-she writes, makes sculptures, paints, does jewelry, photography, poetry, and cooks, and probably much more that I don’t even know about!

One of the only good things I can remember about my dad’s grandparents is that they are great cooks-especially when it came to baking (and grandma ALWAYS had vanilla ice cream and cake cones on hand). I remember as a kid my dad also toiled around the kitchen making fudge and other things full of chocolate goodness.

Last week Aunt Rox posted a step-by-step recipe on her blog on how to make a crepe cake, and it looked so damn good I asked her if I could share it on my blog. She also peppered in some pictures and history of my grandparents (her parents), which I rarely hear about. So enjoy! IT LOOKS SO GOOD!!!

 

Blueberry and Lemon cream crepe cake

I have been cooking for a really long time and I never plan to stop. The first thing I learned to make was Hollandaise sauce, standing on a chair by the Mixmaster when I was six years old. I could hardly read recipes but I loved being in the kitchen.

My mother was a demented tyrant, but boy could she cook, and she cooked with love and passion. My dad was a talented part-time pastry chef and my granny was a cook who worked every day but Mondays until she was well over 80.

Mon Cher Papa, who wore always wore a beret after visiting France!

My granny, cooking in her restaurant circa 1955

I come by my cooking chops honestly and I have actually cooked professionally in the restaurant world in my checkered past.

My Cowgirl Mama about 1944

My favorite things are dishes that are spectacular, pretty easy to prepare and will get the cook a lot of compliments!

I think there's a lot of mystery and almost fear around the art of cooking and cooking well. There are a lot of 'secrets' and 'shortcuts' that you only learn through trial and error, practice, or if somebody shares their 'ah ha' moments with you.

One of the things I am asked to make again and again is the crepe cake that is shown here. It is spectacular no matter what fruit and filling you use, tastes amazing and is a lot easier than it looks once you master a few tricks of the trade.

I worked at one of the first crepe houses in Houston a long, long time ago. Liliane's Maison de Crepe. Liliane was a cranky round Frenchwoman with a glorious accent, an amazing laugh and a chef who had tantrums. I think my experience at Liliane's is what made me fall in love with all things French.

The restaurant had a tiny old gay French piano player who tinkled the ivories in the dining room while wearing a velvet smoking jacket, a maître d' who was always fighting with the waiters, and the best crepes I have ever tasted. My sons were small and I was working two jobs, but this job? I loved it… So in honor or Madame Liliane, Crepes!

I chose to make Blueberry and Lemon crepes for this foray, but in the spring I get asked again and again for a birthday crepe cake stuffed with fresh strawberries, vanilla crème and almonds. In the summer, peaches with amaretto are amazing, and raspberries and nutella are another possibility. If you can think of something yummy, you can take the basic concept and go crazy.

I always rummage around and gather up my ingredients first. Make your fillings–or in the lazy woman's world, peel the top off the vanilla pudding containers hee hee. Today I did make lemon pudding–from a box. I used canned blueberry pie filling BUT I took about two cups of fresh blue berries, stemmed and checked them good for nasty berries, and  dumped them into a bowl with the filling. Canned pie filling is great for making your fresh berries stick in your crepe stack. You get the punch of fresh fruit and the cake doesn't slip slide away.

I always rummage up my ingredients first in case I am out of something, I find out in time to fix it

Basic Sweet Batter Ingredients:

4 eggs

2/3 cup half & half (or milk)

2/3 cup water

1 1/2 cups flour, all purpose pre-sifted

2 tablespoons butter melted

4 tablespoons sugar

4 tablespoons of appropriate liquor, such as cognac

2 teaspoons vanilla

For your crepes:

In a mixing bowl, beat the eggs, a whisk works wonderfully well, add half and half and water and whisk until its all blended.

Gradually whisk in the flour.

Add the rest of the ingredients and beat until the batter looks like melted ice cream in thickness and consistency. Thick and creamy-but not too thick is what you are going for.

Alcohol: I choose the liquor based on A) what I’m making and B) what I have on hand.  In this case, I chose triple sec because I liked the flavor profile with the lemon layers. I like Amaretto with peaches and cognac with strawberries-don’t be afraid to experiment.

Adding my alcohol of choice-it gives a little flavor but mostly helps add color to the crepes as they cook.

Okay, you have your batter made, your fillings prepared and waiting in bowls for use in a little while. This is the part where it gets fun. I am lucky enough to have the World's Most Fantastic Crepe Pan. I have had it since before my son Joshua was born and he is well over 30 at this point, so the pan is well seasoned. Its a Taylor and Ng pan and they probably don't even make them anymore BUT there are nice crepe pans out there. If you like crepes, go buy one. My entire family knows there will be blood shed if they wash my pan. It only needs wiping off and hanging back up at this stage of its life.

9notcrepepanNot a crepe pan doesn't begin to cover it…

I am assuming you don't have a pan like I do, so I wanted to prove to you and to me that you can make great crepes with a junky pan. I got out my most evilly used old Teflon warhorse that suffered through years of teenage cooking and should probably be thrown away at this point. When you start hunting through your skillets the trick is choose one that is NOT heavy. You have to pick it up and move it around so weight is one of the secret tricks. You don't need a great big huge skillet, just a fairly flat one with about a six inch wide bottom.

I always melt a little extra butter when I'm melting the crepe batter butter. Dip a paper towel into the butter and swab your pan/skillet with it. Put the pan on medium heat and let it sizzle. Choose a measuring cup that is about 1/3 of a cup. Fill it with batter use trick number two: PICK UP the pan and remove it from the heat while you pour in the batter. This keeps the batter from cooking and sticking instantly so you can roll it around to cover the pan bottom.

The good pan and the good little helper on the floor in the background.

Rotate the pan, roll it around in your hand to spread the batter around the bottom. Yes, the first two or three crepes will be a mess until you figure out the motion that lets you swirl the batter around the pan bottom.

Put the pan back on the heat.

Wait until the top of the crepe looks dry, crepes don't have holes that bubble up like a big fat flapjack so dry is your key word. Use a really good METAL spatula to flip the crepes over. Plastic spatulas just don't get the job done here. They tear your crepes and don't slide under neatly. The crepe is going to flip just fine, you can even use your fingers. ow! hot! hot! to straighten out any that do an El Foldo on you. Relax, enjoy, find the rhythm. It only takes about 10 or 15 seconds to get the second side done.

Use your spatula to pick it up and put it on a plate. Stack your crepes any which way, they don't stick together and you can unpeel them when you build your cake. Start again, get your batter, pick up pan, rotate it, put it down, etc.etc. Re-butter your pan when you need to, about every 3rd or 4th crepe for a 'virgin pan'. You are done with this phase and you have a lovely big stack of crepes.  

Move to the assembly process, the best part–no wait, that's eating it. Put down a crepe on whatever plate you are serving from, spread a layer of the first filling. Plop down another crepe, spread a layer of the next filling, keep going. Trick 3: If you are using fruit filling, mound it in the middle and put the next crepe on top of it. Use your hand and push straight down to spread the filling. If you do it this way you won't have filling running out the sides and plopping on the plate.

Fruit filling piled in the middle of the crepe.


Press down on the piled up filling firmly and evenly through the next crepe.

Lemon layer

Keep going until your stack is stacked. I always save one crepe and enough filling to roll it up and have a good taste of my efforts.

I keep those handy dandy little roasting skewers around and stick four or five into the finished cake top. It keeps it from sliding until it gets good and chilled and it also helps when you have to transport a crepe cake. Bamboo skewers work just as well and they keep the plastic wrap from clinging to your pretty cake top. I put one last dollop of filling and some slivered almonds on mine and popped it into the fridge to cool thoroughly.

Skewers help avoid the sliding cake catastrophe.

Here is how it looked three hours later. The fun part is when you slice one of these and carefully slide a slice out. They are so pretty! They look archaeological with all their layers and people are always so surprised when something that looks like a pancake is so stunningly beautiful. They also taste amazing. This one is light and airy with the berries and lemon, not heavy at all. I'm sure being so light and airy it has no calories at all….bon appetit!

Lovely slice of crepe cake.


The finished cake ready to serve.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

YouTube Tuesday.

OMG. This clip is totally rad. To the max!

I thought about it at random two weeks ago and found the clip on YouTube and have been literally singing it all week. If you’ve seen the movie “Teen Witch” from the 80’s before, you already know what a campy awesome gem of a movie this is. If not, this clip is just hilarious to watch the spaz white guy rap (and what’s up with his capri jeans look???) A comment from this clip said “this is the most eighties thing I have ever seen in my life”. Agreed.

Fun fact: Robin Lively (the star of this movie) is the big sister of Blake Lively (Serena on Gossip Girl!).

Top that!

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Monday, January 24, 2011

Got to love shameless self-promotion.

Happy Monday all! I’m thinking new week, new day, new start. Not that I’m technically starting anything new, I just want to shake off all the ugly/bad/angry feelings from last week. Thanks for all the words of advice and concern, just a quick note that Thursday’s post is exactly the reason why I try to NOT post while sad.

The only reasons I do is because it takes things off my chest and also the clarity I have when I’m super emo may give you all insight on to how my stupid evil brain works. It’s all a giant circle with me, something I would like to try and break once and for all with therapy (coming soon).

As for our 90210 poll, 45% chose Kelly as the one you would want to be/bang. For a while there it was Andrea and I was like wtf? Andrea…the one that didn’t hook up with any of the guys, and when she did gets knocked up? The smart one? Come on now. I chose Brenda. Other than secretly wanting to be a mega bitch, she got everything handed to her-a trip to Paris, didn’t have to work..and Dylan! Hello! This week is the same question, only flipped. Who was your guy? Come on, everyone must have a 90210 love, am I right?

I know last week I posted about some awards I had received from the generous blog community, but the week itself blessed me with FOUR MORE! Plus I’m up to 65 followers, which is freaking awesome. Just a few weeks ago I came up with a contest to push to 50 and now I’m past that…woo!

Oh! For all you newbies who want contest info (ends next Monday) check out this post.

First I got bestowed the stylish blogger award by Colenic over at A Smile a Day (I’m guessing it’s for my kick-ass Paul Frank blog overhaul)

She wrote, “She is an amazing writer who is very real in her writing.” I love this, thanks!

The rules for passing this on is for every blogger you pass it on to, you have to give a random fact about yourself. My mind is on the fritz, so I did a random question generator…

Where in the world would you like to visit? I’m not big on travel due to my fear of planes, but my big three would be Seattle, England and New York.

Have you ever been in a school play? In third grade I was chosen to do the opening monologue for Tom Sawyer because I was good at memorization, and I was all by myself up there. In fifth I tried out for the lead in Father Time but got chosen as the understudy. I was all butt hurt so when they offered me one of the other leads I turned it down like I was beneath the role and sang in the choir instead.

Can exes be friends? Absolutely. All of my exes are my friends, and the only ones that aren’t are the ones who had insecure bitches for girlfriends/wives and weren’t “allowed” to talk to their exes-and my last boyfriend. After six years of trying to be nice and support his stupid destructive lifestyle, last summer he crossed the line and I cut off all ties with him. First time I’ve ever done that with anyone.

I don’t follow a lot of “fashionable” blogs, so I am giving it to the three I deem most worthy!

Falen at Colorful Rants of a Fed-Up Sista

Erica at Recycled Fashion (who gets all the fashion awards!)

And Fully Fashioned (she’s MIA on holiday, but so stylish nonetheless)

Jeff over at Content Unrelated, who is incredibly awesome and funny, passed on the “Life is Good” award-a repeat! Holla!

If you’d like to see who I passed this onto and my questions, please check out this post :)

And lastly over the weekend Jumble Mash AND Dani-Q from Obsessed gave me the “LOL Award”!

God I hope I’m funny…because I really don’t want to come off as an emo douchebag on this damn blog! Dani wrote, “a truly amazing woman, who's absurd obsession with Paul Frank makes me giggle every time”. Absurd? Well…yeah…I’m kind of a nerd about it.

I have to list seven things no one knows about me and pass this on to seven bloggers. Here goes:

I bite my nails like they are crack cocaine. They are poor bloody stumps!

I have a hatred of random hairs. If I see one on me, I pluck. If I see one on you, I pull it out any way I can.

I have to knock on wood three times when I think of a bad thought.

I don’t like my food to touch, and soggy bread grosses me out! Although I love my nachos soggy. I’m weird.

I’m double jointed in my thumbs…like really double jointed. I can pop them out of place.

I still own and listen to Limp Bizkit’s “3 Dollar Bill Ya’ll” and “Significant Other”. Woo ha! Where you at?

As for seven blogs that crack me up?

Awkward Sex and the City

From the Head of the Danaconda

Hyperbole and a Half (Funniest.Blog.Ever.)

Jive Turkey

Bruce at Stupid Stuff I See and Hear

Barb at This and That (as I Bounce Thru Life)

Drake's Doomsday Corner…P.S. Look what I found at the market!

 

Thanks everyone!

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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Hed’s Sunday Shortlist.

I’ve been listening to all the music on my computer this weekend, and I decided today would be the day I post the best list of all time!

10 Definitive Grunge Songs.

Grunge holds a massive place in my heart, and in the history of all rock and roll. Grunge signified something new and exciting in the mainstream that hadn’t happened in years-since the dawn of punk. For a decade, rock lovers had three choices: to listen to the hair metal that dominated the era, choose “safe” pop rock like Air Supply and Rod Stewart, or just give up and play old Black Sabbath albums. Grunge broke through the glass ceiling at the time.

If you’re not familiar with the term “Grunge”, let me (and Wiki) give you a brief history. In the mid 80’s a new sound from the Pacific Northwest (mainly the Seattle area) started receiving attention due to its, well, grungy sound. The guitars were distorted and heavy, the songs were usually full of despair or nonsensical, the singers tended to have rocks in their throat and looked like they just woke up.

If you know anything about Grunge, you’ll recall that it was Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” that made the first, and largest impression. When that exploded, the handful of other bands that shared the same characteristics just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

In the mid-90’s the grunge sound started to slow down and give way to post grunge (think the bands Bush, Candlebox, Foo Fighters) and rap rock (Limp Bizkit, Korn, Kid Rock). Grunge is by far my favorite genre of music because it was when I discovered how important music was to me. You can say I was in the right place at the right time.

This list is just a nice guidebook for discovering Grunge on your own. If you’d like to learn more about this awesome music, please consult your local media store for the DVD of “Singles” and the soundtrack of the same name, and the documentary “Hype!”

10. Screaming Trees, “Nearly Lost You”. Although not as well known as the other bands in the era, Screaming Trees (along with Mother Love Bone, Green River and Mudhoney) was one of the first Grunge bands. This song is from the aforementioned “Singles” album, and it is a nice starter song for the Grunge virgin-not too heavy, not too loud, and something you can sing along to.

9. Smashing Pumpkins, “Cherub Rock”. Believe it or not, once upon a time the Smashing Pumpkins were considered part of the Grunge movement, and all it takes is a listen to their album “Siamese Dream” to verify this. A few years later they changed their sound and leaned more into the “Alt-rock” scene, which fit Billy Corgan’s voice a little better than the Grunge label.

8. Hole, “Violet”. If Kurt Cobain was the proclaimed “King of Grunge”, Courtney Love was the queen. Hole’s second CD “Live Through This” is a masterpiece, and she held her own with the male singers of the time. No matter what you think of Ms. Love as a person, that bitch can SANG. I still wish I could sing like her, damn it.

7. Pearl Jam, “Even Flow”. This has all the classic Grunge characteristics: heavy riffs, a growling singer, lyrics that sound like they were written while drunk, (“freezer/rests his head on a pillow made of concrete/again”), and…Eddie Vedder! During the 90’s Vedder was my EVERYTHING. Seriously. The album “Ten” got very heavy rotation on my cassette player, and twenty years later they released a “Legacy Edition” that comes with the DVD of their “MTV Unplugged”, which is a can’t miss if you’re a Pearl Jam fan.

6. Stone Temple Pilots, “Crackerman” or “Dead & Bloated” (tie). I was annoyed when STP came out. Not because I didn’t like them-I loved them!-but because Scott Weiland was always compared to Eddie Vedder. There was no comparison! Weiland always had this lounge-singer quality to him, and if you listen to their debut CD “Core” and any other CD after you’ll hear it in their music. I couldn’t choose between the two songs because they both are equally grungy and awesome, so take your pick and enjoy!

5. Alice in Chains, “Would?” I took the “safe” Grunge song by Alice in Chains because when I was going through their discography this is the one song that sticks out to me as their grungiest. In my opinion AIC WAS GRUNGE. There were no other bands that sounded like them, there are no other singers with the perfect harmonies of  Layne Stayley and Jerry Cantrell. Their second CD “Dirt” is just that: dirty and full of despair, and something you probably shouldn’t be listening to if you feel like shit. You may jump in front of a truck. They proved how versatile they could be by putting out two almost acoustic EP’s after “Dirt-“Sap” and “Jar of Flies”.

4. Temple of the Dog, “Hunger Strike”. Okay, this may be actually considered the Grunge anthem. Temple of the Dog was a “band” created as a tribute to Andrew Wood, the lead singer of Mother Love Bone (FYI: Mother Love Bone + Green River – Andrew Wood =Pearl Jam) who died. Chris Cornell, the lead singer of Soundgarden got Wood’s old band mates and made an amazing, almost bluesy album in 1990 that didn’t get any airplay until Grunge made it big a couple of years later. Plus, you know…Chris Cornell and Eddie Vedder is like Grunge heaven.

3. Nirvana, “Sliver”. Nirvana is said to epitomize Grunge, so it’s hard to choose a song to show their essence. “Sliver” was a single made in 1990 (before “Nevermind”) and released in 1992 on their “Incesticide” EP. I’m a sucker for bass, so it’s the opening of the song that stuck out to me-not very heavy until the chorus. But it’s still a great (and not oversaturated) song to add to your list!

2. Soundgarden, “Outshined”. Chris Cornell to this day makes my eyes water. He is a damn beautiful man. Aside from that, he has one of the most melodic screams you’ll ever hear (that makes sense in my head, okay!). I was almost going to put “4th of July”, from their album “Superunknown” on this list (go listen to it, best downtuned guitar ever)-but “Outshined” just sticks out as an amazing song and a nice gateway from the punky Grunge of Nirvana to more of the hard rock Grunge variety. Plus he’s shirtless in the video. Holla!

1. Pearl Jam, “State of Love and Trust”. When I was thinking of this list in my head I thought, but what song would be number one? It took all of about two seconds to pick this song, another gem from the “Singles” soundtrack. This was never released as a single, so only owners of the “Singles” album or hardcore lovers of PJ (hi) really know how great of a song this is. I leave you with the perfect and wonderful “MTV Unplugged” previously unreleased video.

Did I miss a song? What is your favorite Grunge song of all time? Let me know! I’m off…I need to jump up and down and sing at the top of my lungs now.

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Crossroads.

A new reader and I were talking about her bipolar, something she calls her “mind monster”. She asked me if I had a name for mine, and I told her I don’t. I do have a description though. Imagine those two guys on your shoulder: the angel and the devil. People call them “your conscience”. I have a slightly different version. I have a normal dude on one side, that will casually tell me if something is a good decision, and then I have the apathetic dude, who is constantly saying “but why? Really, who cares?”

This last month, casual guy got a pep in his step and starting talking to me a little more. When there are times I feel sad, he tells me to hold those tears in and think of the big picture. I have done pretty well, with virtually no setbacks.

Until today.

My marriage has hit a wall. Every time I think we have climbed a few steps something happens that knocks us back down to step one. Unfortunately I can’t get into a elaborate discussion about why since my family and his family reads my blog (hi family), but they all have an idea what’s going on. I love him to death and he loves me, but…I guess I wonder: is love enough?

I’ve been happy lately, even more so these last few days because J and I came to a decision about our future, and it made me so hopeful! We would continue to do what we need to do separately and come back together as stronger people. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately because when I lay down and nothing is distracting me, my brain races with thoughts. Last night I had this big seed of doubt about how J is really feeling and I got up to talk to him about it. This morning I get an e-mail from him confirming all of my doubts. These last two days of hope and happiness, they’ve been a lie.

I get in the shower and stand there, frozen, thinking about the future of my marriage. My eyes start to sting from wanting to cry, but I hold back. Apathetic guy shows up. “Why, Hed? Who cares? It just doesn’t matter”. So I cry. And I haven’t stopped since.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely at a loss. I have no one to talk to because everyone has a different slant on the situation. I want to give up. I so badly want to just be that person who can triumph over adversity, but I ‘m not. I run the other way. I don’t know how to fight-it’s a program I am lacking in my brain functions. So I am just going to wipe my tears, wait until my mom gets home and eat a burrito covered in sauce that is bigger than my head and a taco smothered in guacamole and fatty goodness. And enjoy it.

Because I’m done today.

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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Food=Love.

Today is study day! So before I get stuck on the computer I am posting one of my bipolar blog archives for you today. I’m not as gloomy on my outlook of my weight as I was last year, so don’t mind the emo ending :)

This blog is dated May 31, 2010.

I like being alone. I always have. At family events at my home growing up, I would come downstairs to make an appearance, then go back up to my room and shut the door. Maybe it's because I can do what I want when I'm alone; no one is judging me or telling me what I should or should not do. The funny thing is, I was never without a boyfriend in my high school years. I think the idea that even though I liked being alone, I liked the thought that there was someone that loved me, that wanted to be around me, and I could share my thoughts and ideas with. I was so co-dependent with guys. I felt like if we broke up, it was the end of the world. I'm pretty sure that's not the depression-I'm pretty sure it's because I was a teenage girl? As soon as a relationship would end, I would latch right on to the next guy that showed interest. It's funny, I started writing this blog to profile my love affair with food, and it kind of went in a different direction. The segue with being alone was the fact that when I am alone, I can truly do whatever I want, which includes eating whatever I want and how much of it I want without anyone watching me or telling me that it's wrong or bad.

As a teen, I was "average", varying between 130 and 140 lbs at 5'7". Of course I always thought I was fat because I was still wearing the higher junior sizes of 9 and 11. Food wasn't really on my radar; I can't look back and picture a day where I binged or went out of my way to eat copious amounts of food. Actually, I would get lunch money every day while some of my friends did not, and I always shared my food with them. When I got pregnant at 17, I was 150 when they weighed me for my first prenatal appointment-a true heffer. I ended up gaining 51 pounds because I subscribed to the fact that I was "eating for 2", "it's all baby weight", "I'll be the weight I was as soon as he's born", etc. On my son's first birthday I was 159, which was unacceptable, but I had never had to diet or exercise before. By this point I was not a teen, I was an adult working for a living, and I didn't feel like I could be careless as a parent. In my high school years I dabbled in drugs, but even the thought of doing them as an adult was out of the question because I have to be a role model for my son. I worked in a casino where all of the snack bar food was half-off, and they had my favorite foods: nachos, patty melts, chicken fingers with ranch, ice cream. My job was also a sedentary one, so I ended up putting on 20 lbs in a year. When I met my first boyfriend after my son was born, I would go to his place after work and we would rent movies and stop by Circle K and pick up Ben & Jerry's, pumpkin seeds, and one-liter Pepsi's. I was about a size 14 or 16 then, and even though I was "fat", I was still finding clothes that fit at The Gap, NY & Co, and Hot Topic, so it was okay.

Fast forward a few years and I'm in a bad relationship, not working due to stress and depression for a year, and barely making ends meet. My live-in boyfriend was out doing God knows what, and I was driving through McDonalds getting a large Double Quarter Pounder meal with 20 chicken nuggets and a McFlurry. Daily. It was the only time I would leave the house, and it was the only time I felt satisfied. I would bite into the burger and the comfortable feeling would flood into my head and I would be happy. I would continue to eat even when I was stuffed and the food had no more taste to it because there was still food on the table. By the time I left my boyfriend and moved home, I was 221 pounds and in a size 18/20 at Lane Bryant. When I moved back home, I had to sleep in my son's race car bed. I had to put everything I owned in storage. I had no boyfriend, and I needed a job. I needed to get my shit together. I went to the doctor and found out I was pre-diabetic, which meant my blood sugar levels were on the threshold of becoming out of whack. My best friend was my savior. His own diabetes helped me realize I really didn't need that cheesecake slice when we would go out to eat. (Doesn't that sound awful? "Your diabetes saved me!") He also was my object of pure love and affection, which he fought off on a regular basis due to the fact that I had a LOT of demons I needed to figure out before I could be in a healthy, stable relationship (summed up in this statement: "You're not girlfriend material"). He also happened to be a black belt in karate, and taught me how to kick box (hes a triple threat!). I had gotten back down to 180 pounds, had the confidence to get my dream job, and to also make it on my own by moving out of my parents house after three years and moving out and relying on myself. (P.S. We finally ended up together)

Now, everything is a blur. You may have read my blogs where "Old Hed" is not me. I don't know where it went wrong, but I slowly gained weight after getting into a truly healthy relationship where I was unconditionally loved. I'm pretty sure that's not the depression-I think it's because I was a happy girlfriend? I weighed 200 pounds on my wedding day, roughly 18 months ago. Something clicked in me shortly after where I realized I had the great husband, the great job, the great house. I started growing increasingly anxious, that something terribly bad was going to happen; that there was nowhere else to go but down. I quit my job without notice, stopped going to school, and shut down completely. I am now 100 pounds overweight, depending on what “ideal weight” guide you look at. I can go on and on. These are the thoughts that run through my head on a regular basis. I don't spend intimate time with my husband anymore. I wear sweat pants. I've stopped wearing make-up. If you're like me, you may have watched a morbidly obese person stuck in a bed because they are so fat and thought, "how could they have let themselves get that FAT?" Well, if you're also like me, you have just stopped caring. Feeling. Being happy. When I have slept so much I can't sleep anymore and my husband is away, I am alone. I binge on food. I immediately feel at ease and happy when I eat. Even the feeling of fullness afterward makes me happy. When the feeling goes away, I am left with myself and my body and nothing else to feel. I truly loathe myself.

I have mentioned more than once to my husband if something like heroin wasn't illegal I would definitely try it. I see the emptiness behind addicts' eyes and I relate to it. The only way for them to take the pain away is to be high. That's how I feel with food. At this point, I don't know what else to do because I don't have the energy or motivation to make a change. See you at 300 pounds.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

YouTube Tuesday.

I forgot to mention in my post yesterday that I have a new and improved blog button if you want to go snatch that up.

So I love Saturday Night Live-my favorite years are around 1990-1994, when all the greats were on there: Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Chris Rock, Dana Carvey…those were my guys. I also love Will Ferrell and Andy Samberg, and all the original SNL greats that made it be the monument to American comedy: Dan Ackroyd, Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner,  Eddie Murphy and John Belushi. Who’s your favorite SNL alumni?

I don’t stay up anymore and watch it, mostly because it’s kind of crappy now. But every once in a while I’ll see a sketch that cracks me up, like this one (PS the blonde is Megan Fox). Enjoy.

 

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Monday, January 17, 2011

MONDAY FILLER!!!

Shout out to Skippymom at I Make Soap – she likes Jif, FYI

So the poll was pretty close this week! Eric Dane won out by one vote as the one we call our McDreamy-funny, the real McDreamy got only one vote. And Justin Chambers got three votes! At first I was like, really? Then I checked out some of his earlier modeling. Not bad…

I randomly thought of this week’s poll question (those are the best, right? Random!) to give back to the men since they were left out of last week’s poll (unless you voted, then more power to ya, boys). So go vote! Oh, and as always, comment if you have something to say about it-or if Valerie was your favorite or something.

Just a friendly reminder that the contest is going on for two more weeks. Contest you say? Um, yeah! I have a goodie bag filled with Australian knick-knacks to give away to my readers for hitting the big 5-0. You’re automatically entered if you do the following:

*”Like” me on my new Facebook fan page! (You can also click the “like” button on the right of your page ------>)

*Give me a blog shout-out!

*Add my new button to your blog! It’s also to your right. Holla!

*Become a new follower the old fashioned way! Click on the “follow” button!

*Send me a healthy recipe at hed@hedabovewater.com! (Even if you don’t want to be entered I’ll welcome the recipes, k?)

*I’ll give you and your blog sponsor an extra entry if you send me a comment like “I came here from so and so’s blog”

There are a LOT of ways to win, but you will have a maximum of 5 entries. Okay? That way if you follow, pimp, button, recipe and like you’ll be acknowledged for all of them! I have been keeping track daily of my Facebook fans, new followers, recipes I’ve received and buttons and blog love, but please note-if you don’t mention you added the button or gave me a blog shout-out I may miss it. Please let me know so you don’t get left out!

I stepped on the scale this morning and…I have actually lost 2.2 lbs since last week. I was actually surprised! Not because I haven’t been trying, but some of my choices were…not the best. I cracked open a quart of Panera Bread’s lobster bisque soup for lunch this weekend (I ate a bowl, not the quart…honest!), and the calorie/fat content is so bad-what did I expect though, right? It’s pure cream and buttery awesomeness. I balanced any “bad” foods I ate by making sure I either kept the calories down that day or countered with good foods. Portion control is my first step. After that I can start trying to eliminate bad foods and what not.

I haven’t had a huge sweet tooth, and I’ve made sure that there aren’t a lot of sweets in the house. I’ve snacked on frogurt, these really good Special K strawberry crisp bars, and trail mix. I’m on a nut kick this week (that sounds dirty). It’s funny though, because while I’m not really wanting sweets my body is CRAVING pasta and bread. I found a Lean Cuisine chicken fettuccini that was pretty damn good, and I got those Thomas bagel thins to try and sate my bread fix. Yesterday was my cheat day, and I ordered Applebee’s nachos and a cup of their chicken tortilla soup. Heaven. Guilty heaven, but damn it was good.

This weekend I cracked open my pharmacy books and started studying. Don’t laugh, but before I started I needed to go back to school shopping for new pens and binders. I had to get Paul Frank. It’s a problem.

I own this one, but I had to get MORE!!!

That’s pretty much that. Now I’m sitting here with an ice cream cone, typing with one hand…look what my mom got:

DAMN IT! :)

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Sunday, January 16, 2011

Blog love: A waste of time?

 

Shout-out to Skippymom at I Make Soap for the JADIP Award!

Contrary to what the title says, I wanted to congratulate my “Aunt” Mynx at Dribble... and my “East Coast Mom” Barb at This and That (as I bounce thru life) for hitting 100 followers this week-way to go, ladies! Also, respect to everyone this week who has received an award, whether this be their first or fifteenth. Now onto my rant.

Yesterday I was talking to my best friend about my other best friend and how much I just want to punch her in the face most of the time (it’s a long story, and it will be written down one day). I told him that when I texted her about moving back to Australia and to read my blog why (because 265 text characters just wasn’t enough enough), she never replied. She also never read my blog…ever, so I took her off the list to automatically get an e-mail when I publish a blog.

My girl best friend and I have a bond, but it’s never been a talking bond (she’s seriously Christina Yang-overachiever and never talks about her feelings), so I thought to myself, if Kato was to write a blog about her life, would I read it? You’re damn right. Every day. If I knew that it was hard for her to talk one-on-one about her issues yet easy to type it all out, I would have that shit linked to my phone even so it would beep when she posted and I could read it right away. I’m like that. Apparently, she’s not, so I stopped sending her my blogs. And two months later I have yet to get a response from her like “hey I don’t get your blogs anymore!”, and that bothers me.

So I’m venting this to my boy best friend, and he says “well Hed, I mean, your blog is pretty self-indulgent”. What the hell? OF COURSE IT IS! It’s my blog! Taken from Wiki: "The personal blog, an ongoing diary or commentary by an individual, is the traditional, most common blog. Personal bloggers usually take pride in their blog posts, even if their blog is never read. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life, or works of art. Blogging can have a sentimental quality. Few personal blogs rise to fame and the mainstream, but some personal blogs quickly garner an extensive following.”

I explain to him that this blog means the world to me, and it’s a way for me to get out what I can’t normally. He says, “I understand, but a lot of your blog is filler. It’s like ‘yay, I got an award’ or ‘look at this clip’. If you’re going to do a blog, do it. If you’re just interested in a popularity contest and how many readers you have or how many people commented, then don’t. Post what’s bothering you. Post your issues. Post things that matter”. This made me ANGRY!

My bipolar blog had eight followers, and it was the most raw out of all my blogs because it was a BIPOLAR BLOG. When I would have my moments, I would write. When I did my Australia blog, I would post about Australia. When I moved home, I just decided to say f*ck it and combine the two. I’m not happy all the time, or sad (duh, I’m freaking bipolar), and it didn’t seem real if I tried to separate the two. So now we’re here, on Hed Above Water.

Along the way I would click on others’ blog links because I liked reading about other people’s lives. Other people are screwed up too, Hed I would think. I started following some. Others started following me. Cool, if they’re like me they only follow because they like what I have to say, or they can maybe identify with me? I don’t follow parenting blogs. I don’t follow blogs I don’t connect with. What’s the point?

I will totally admit when I would get a new follower my self-esteem rises a little. Or a comment-even if that comment is “nice post”. And awards? That’s like the coolest shit ever. Maybe outside the blog world they don’t understand that our community is a circle, and when someone finds you from someone else’s blog and understands you, it’s a wonderful thing. Again, these are all my thoughts…I could be wrong.

I write because I can. And now that I can, I have to or my brain will explode. I have this HUGE list of subjects I want to talk about-it’s now just about getting the words together to post them. And as for filler? I like my filler, thank you. “YouTube Tuesdays” are a small window into what cracks me up, or moves me. “Hed’s Friday Flick” is something I started because I love reading “average people” talk about movies they loved or hated without the movie critics’ eye. And my “Sunday Shortlist” is something I do when I have a list of awesome things that I want to talk about. What’s wrong with that? I have no life right now. I can’t talk about going to the club, or the bitch at work. I talk about what I know.

I decided after this post I am going to delete everyone off my auto e-mail list (except for my hubs, who has my blog linked to his phone so that when I post it beeps and he happily reads it right away-YOU ROCK, J!). If those people want to read my blog they can manually subscribe to my posts via an RSS feed. Or *cough* my Facebook page. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want to read my blog reading it, or for it to be a chore. Screw that. The minute my writing becomes a bloody burden to read just walk away, okay?

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Friday, January 14, 2011

I has awards!

Like the new layout? I wanted it to look a little brighter. A little sunnier. I feel like for the first time in a LONG ASS TIME I can say “sunnier” and have it apply to me. Plus it’s Paul Frank. It’s a no-brainer!

Everyone must be Golden Globe crazy this week or something, because everyone is posting awards! Including me! Holla!

Earlier this week Semi True Torystellar over at Can U Relate? passed along the “Life is Good” award over to yours truly. Thanks a bunch!

This award comes with a mini-survey as well…so here goes:

1.If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this?  If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now? I think my blog is 50/50. I pass my blogs to my friends on Facebook, and I e-mail my mom and other friends and family my blog posts. I sometimes wish I could be anonymous, but the whole reason I started a blog in the first place was to put my mental illness crap out there and be honest about it. So anonymity would kind of defeat the purpose.

2.Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. I really, really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when I’m right I am freaking RIGHT. I won’t assert myself unless I know I’m right 100%, and I won’t be satisfied until it’s known by everyone who questioned it. I’ve been known to scour the Internet for my proof of my rightness (God I love Wiki).

3.What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror? The last two years have ravaged me. Seriously. Stress and weight gain make me look at myself and not recognize the face looking back. I have grey hairs now, and stretchmarks (sorry for the visual). There are days, every once in a while, where I can actually tell myself hey, you look nice today! Like last week:

Artsy.

4.What is your favorite summer cold drink? A venti iced soy sugar free vanilla caramel macchiato upside down from Starbucks. I had one today!

5.When you take time for yourself, what do you do? Honestly right now every day is “time for myself” since I am not working. When I did work 50-hour days I loved spending my days off sleeping in, vegging out and playing video games.

6.Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life? I think to be able to say “I accomplished something” would be huge for me. I quit early, or don’t follow through, or fail at things. To have actually done something worthwhile would be my answer.

7.When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching? My senior year in high school I was voted “Worst Case of ‘Senior-itis’” because I never went to school. I was absent at least once a week. I was a decent student, but 1st and 6th periods where usually my lowest graded classes because I would either sleep in or leave early!

8.If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see? I held my grandmother’s hand as she died. That one was hard for me. *Tears*

9.Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events? Blogging is good for me, because it’s where I can be totally self-centered and let out everything that I usually don’t have the words to talk about. I don’t have many friends and I’m kind of antisocial, so posting funny stories or anecdotes are few and far between.

10.If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why? Texting is a Godsend! It’s SO much easier to just write someone then call them at that perfect time and catch up. Reading > phone!

One of the rules is to pass this on to other bloggers, so I made a list of all the blogs that I love. Turns out almost all of the bloggers have been given this award! Doh! But I was happy to find three bloggers that have not been given this (that I can tell), and are truly deserving of an award titled “Life is Good”:

Roxy is my aunt. She and I never communicated until last year, and now that I know her, I am shocked we share blood! She is AMAZING. She writes, and paints, and cooks, and takes these amazing photos, and she’s just…spectacular. This weekend I am posting a recipe she recently posted on her new all-in-one blog, The Artful Rabbit. I promise you won’t be disappointed!

Erica at Recycled Fashion is a Fashion MacGyver. She can make clothing out of anything and everything-in fact, she is the only fashion blogger I subscribe to because she is just that awesome! Erica has been kind enough to make this gorgeous clutch, and she is holding a silent auction for it to benefit the victims of the Queensland floods.

Source: Recycled Fashion

(PS-if you would like to do your part and help out Australia, the donation link is http://www.qld.gov.au/floods/donate.html. And thanks <3)

Lastly I’m passing this onto Morgan over at The Adorkable Ditz's Missteps. I was really proud of her for the post she wrote yesterday. She has overcome a lot in her young years (she’s still technically a teen!) and has the wisdom and courage to post about something that really takes guts to write about.

The day after I received the “Life is Good” blog I was notified by Skippy over at I Make Soap surprised me with an e-mail that I received the prestigious “Petey” award!

Skippy wrote: “I thought long and hard about this - couldn't pick, even after having a long discussion with an Aussie Tadpole, but I have chosen:
The lovely Hed at Hed Above Water.
What isn't to love about this gorgeous woman.  She is one of the most forthright bloggers I have ever read.  She is astute, intelligent and an absolute friend.  A friend you WANT to have.  She has her own fears and concerns but she never fails to be there if you need her.  She is neat and a lot of fun. Go on over. Please.
Hed is really what blogging is all about.  You need to visit.  You will be a lucky person if you do.” Aww! You rock, Skippy!

Like all blogs, this one comes with some guidelines, and this one is a doozy lol:

*You can only give it to one Blogger in Arms (BIA)

*You must recognize the Blogger who gave it to you in at least 3 consecutive blog posts (expect some blog pimping, Skippy!)

*You can take up to 3 weeks to pass on the award, but not more than 3 weeks

*The recipient of the award must not have any more than 100 BIAs (followers)

*You must update the list of names of previous recipients with your own name before passing it on (see below)

*You should give at least 3 reasons why you think your recipient deserves this award

*You can choose to NOT accept this award, but (apparently) if you do, then Bruce will come after you!

Damn! I had the perfect blogger in mind for this too, but she has almost 600 followers! Okay, okay. The winner is?

Heather (I love that name!) from Sugar Free Thoughts!

There are more than three reasons why I love Heather’s blog, but if I had to choose ONLY three, they would be:

*The pictures she accompanies with her stories crack me up and definitely paint a picture. I snorted when I saw this one:

Source: SF Thoughts

*She’s honest and unflinching in her posts, and she’s a damn good commenter.

*One of her posts was titled “Hey Nicotine Patch.....Go Shit In Your Hand You Asshole”. Give that lady the award already!

Previous winners include:

Mynx at Dribble
Bouncin'Barb at This and That
Thisisme at Southhamsdarling
Teresa at The Middle Side of Life                                                                                    Skippy at I Make Soap                                                                                                         And Me! Hed at Hed Above Water

Thanks again!

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

“A new direction” or “I love you, Jumble Mash”.

Hi all! I wanted to quickly share with you something I thought was cute…I got my mom hooked on Grey’s reruns two weeks ago (season 6), and she literally knows nothing about the show, so I’m trying to fill her in piece by piece. One day she points out Sloane and asks “who is he again?” and I tell her his backstory. Then she goes “damn…it hurts to look at him. Damn!”, which is why the poll is what it is this week. Yesterday my husband says “hey, I voted on your poll, even though it stated ‘ladies’”. I ask who he voted for and he says “you know, the one that’s always angry…he used to be a Calvin Klein model” HAHAHAHAHA that’s why there’s one vote for Alex Karev!

Okay, okay…now the real post.

I have always tried to go back to school. Twice I have taken classes for business administration, and in 2009 I went back in, ready to start my general classes for Biology, only to get derailed by depression. Oh, and I’ve gone to beauty school. Twice. Thank Jeebus I have been able to work in management for so long, because I really don’t think at 30 I want to be saying “do you want fries with that?”, yet I just don’t feel right now I have it in me to manage anyone, let alone myself.

My dream job would be a physician’s assistant-but sadly, I know my limits. I don’t have the stability, intelligence or drive to take years and years of schooling-and the money is also a huge factor. When I was in Australia I talked to my husband about going back into beauty school so I could get my esthetician’s license and at least have a trade. Since I wasn’t a resident or a citizen it would cost me almost $10,000. I was bummed out. What was I going to do?

When I came home I was looking into becoming a pharmacy technician. When I had  logged into monster.com, the first three job listings in my area were for that, and I thought you know, retail and restaurants are in the drain right now…but everyone needs drugs! I started doing some research, and came across an online course that was based out of the local junior college. It cost $1895. We don’t have that much in savings, and what we do have we want to save for our life i.e emergencies, or a down payment for a car, etc. My husband and parents said “focus on getting a job, then later on down the road we can look into school”. I was bummed out. What was I going do do?

Out of sheer coincidence, the other day Jumble Mash, in one of her posts, mentioned she had gotten her pharmacy license at the same time she accepted the job she has now. I commented “HEY! Out of all the things I have been doing lately, looking into becoming a pharm tech is super high on my list, believe it or not. I'd love your sage advice on if it was worth it in regards to paying for cert school and what not. My husband says there's no way we can spend $1800 right now for something I may or may not like.”

JM took the time to write me a thoughtful e-mail about her experience with it and what she did to get started with it. She even gave me a link to the school she went to and I was floored at the cost. It was a third less than what the first school wanted! I got excited. And hopeful. This school offered payments and was accredited and offered everything I needed. So I called them for information. The first thing she tells me is, “I’m sorry, we don’t offer the course in California”. I WAS BUMMED OUT, to say the least.

During this time I was chatting to a friend on MSN, and she started Googling left and right while I was whining “why can’t I just catch a break?” I joined her and found a school, based in California. It didn’t specify the tuition so I held my breath and called the school. The admissions director I talked to was very nice and told me all about the program-including the cost.

IT WAS THE SAME PRICE AS JM’S SCHOOL! YAYYYYY!!!

So I got all the information and told him I would call him the next day (today), after I talked it over with the hubs. I was excited but cautious to talk to J about it, because I know that our funds are limited. I told him about the new school and the info, including the price of tuition. The first thing he says is “oh, we can totally afford that. Go for it, baby!”

YAYYYYYYY!!!!

After doing a butt-load of research on the school, the course, and the certificate, I called the admissions guy and enrolled today. I am officially a student. Go me!

Oh, and Jumble?

1197149982371329261zeimusu_Thumbtack_note_Love_you.svg.med

Thanks. I wouldn’t have been at this point without you. I would have given up and thought that there was just no way. You took a few minutes out of your life to e-mail me, a stranger, to pass upon me some knowledge, and for that I am eternally grateful.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

YouTube Tuesday.

I need you to go back in time. Way back. Before YouTube existed. Do you remember those times? When you would hear about a video, music clip or funny cartoon and you would have to SCOUR THE INTERNET to find it?

Back in 2006 there was a show on MTV that was a successor to Liquid Television, the best cartoon show in the history of the world which gave us gems like Aeon Flux, Beavis and Butthead and…ugh…Joe’s Apartment. I can’t remember what the 2000’s version of the show was called, but it brought one of the first ever “misheard lyrics” cartoon that I’ve ever seen.

I was able to track two of them down (created by the same guy), and now I’m sharing them with you. The first one is Shakira’s “Wherever, Whenever” and the second is Fall Out Boy’s “Sugar, We’re Going Down”. Enjoy!

 

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Random ramblings at 4am.

So ur poll votes are in, and there really close. 44% said that they were 2 gud 4 text spelling, and 40% said that misspellings drive them crazy. Thx 4 you’re votes! Glad to hear that only 1 person goes postal with the smileys, because I’m always doing that :). And 3 of you hate the LOL’s. WTF?

This weekend was a giant lump of repetition and lost thoughts. I seriously could not get my brain to shut off. Friday afternoon I posted that everyone had gone away for the weekend, so I was left to my own devices. Grabbed some groceries and chicken and vegged out. All weekend.

I’m 30, and have been living on my own for years and years now. So tell me why I’m SO PARANOID at being left alone? It’s so chicken of me. I blame sleeping next to my husband for the past two years for this bout of scaredy-cat. I have to shut all the doors in the house, and leave the hall light and living room light on all night. Even though I made a man-cave in the office-the lights in the house still had to be on. I couldn’t sleep all weekend. When I would lay down my brain whizzed with ideas and blogs and thoughts and I told myself I have to keep a journal by my bed so I don’t forget all these ideas! Is there a journal by my bed today? No. Do I remember like 95% of those blog ideas? No.

Also I’m now obsessed with solitaire. I have it on my phone, and I HAVE to play it as I’m laying in bed so hopefully concentrating on that will slow my brain down. The OCD part of it is I have to win a game or I won’t stop playing, even if it takes an hour. Plus the paranoid part of me lays down and hears NOISES. Not “I’m crazy” noises, but little noises here and there. I rationalize that it’s the house creaking or mice on the roof, but I’m telling you I have hearing like a bat so I instantly jolt out of bed and turn the light on. Once in my teens I kept hearing the smallest rapping in my room and I woke my parents up like three times to make them investigate, to which they found nothing. I sat in my bed and stared at a box in the corner for about an hour when finally I saw a cockroach pop his head out. My husband says my hearing is freaky.

I also went to bed at about 5am every day this weekend. The first reason is because I can’t shut off my brain and the second is when I see daylight it’s safe! No one breaks into a house at 5am! They do it the evil hour of 3am (hide yo kids, hide yo wife). So I would lay there until I saw light outside my window and only then would my body give my brain the damn thumbs up to conk out.

My weekend was pretty mundane. I caught up on Grey’s Anatomy reruns that were on the DVR (hence the new poll question this week), and got my rogue to 60 (again, don’t ask). Hubs was on webcam all weekend which helped with the paranoia a lot, but he works at night, which had him starting at 1am my time. Great. So at the time I needed someone the most I was alone.

The funniest thing that happened is I was watching TV after my hubs left for work Friday night and then went into the office and shut all the doors. Around 2am I walked around the house because I heard noises (I was so expecting a horror movie ending). I sat back down and…the house phone rang. At 2am. 2am house calls are always BAD, am I right (“Have you checked the children?”)? I cautiously answer the phone and it’s my…mum? She tells me hubs is worried because he has been trying my mobile and I haven’t answered it, so he called his mum to call my house phone. I laughed (turns out I left my cell on the couch). My poor boo. I’ve passed the paranoia torch to him.

My cheat food this week was Portillo’s on Saturday night. God, I love Italian beef (that sounds sexual). I also indulged in a strawberry shortcake that is made with mascarpone cheese, which I have never tried before. So good! It tastes like a mix of whipped cream and cream cheese. Just what I need to discover, a new tasty cheese…on the bright side I weighted myself this morning and I’ve lost 1.3 lbs (if you even mutter “water weight” I’ll hunt you down and cut you).

Yesterday morning (Monday) I woke up at 10am and felt miserable. I couldn’t even get off the couch. Finally at noon I laid back down and hit the pillow like a damn rock. I slept four hours straight. I think it was my body/brain catching up with the weekend sleep disruption, but it brought with it a cough and a stuffy head. So I was out again by 11pm-but awake at 3am. Which brings me to you right now. at 4:30am.

That’s all I got, people! I may *try* and go back to bed. Or play solitaire.

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Saturday, January 8, 2011

My best friend’s an asshole.

I was thinking about getting a job at a local strip club. The club sign advertises three spots that would be perfect for someone like me. I could do it…I mean, I get along well with people. Strippers make tips! Here’s the sign:

Ah, self-depreciating humor. Where would I be without it? Probably crying into a cheesecake somewhere.

The other day my best friend was passing through my city and invited me out to dinner. Where did he want to go? Olive Garden, of all places. He’s constantly on my ass about eating healthy and exercise, and he chooses the Olive Garden. “Just order soup!” he tells me. Riiiiiiight. Have you seen me? I’m overweight for a reason, stupid! I ended up ordering the shrimp alfredo with whole wheat pasta and it was…awful. I guess that ended up being a good thing because I took more than half of it to go.

So when we first sit down we chatter away about mindless BS. Then he drops the bomb I’ve been waiting to hear since we got there: “Let’s talk about YOU”. Ugh. My best friend makes Dr. Phil look like Jerry Springer. He’s totally into talking about your problems until you’re beaten over the head to death with them. He knows me well though, and he knows that unless my true feelings are poked and prodded out of me I’ll keep them underneath the surface until my head explodes and I have an episode where everything around me falls apart and I have to start over. Kind of like where I am now!

He asks me about my marriage. Something I don’t want to talk to him about, because I already know in advance what he is going to say about what is going on between me and J (FYI-no divorce or anything. We’re having some problems in regards to our future and where that future is supposed to take place. It’s hard and it’s going in circles, but I love my husband dearly and J is fiercely loyal so I know everything will work out…I hope…). Turns out he did a stealth move and intervened on my behalf by pulling a Dr. Phil on my husband without my knowledge! Hubs said pretty much the same thing I said, except from his point of view. Even though the BFF has these great ideas and solutions (and seriously cares more about his friends than himself), sometimes it’s hard to explain what YOU are feeling about things. So even though I love him and thank him for his nosiness concern, it’s something that has to be dealt with between me and the hubs.

He asks me about my state of mental health. He says, “the best thing you can do for yourself and J right now is to go back to your doctor and start treatment. And DON’T STOP even if you are feeling better!” I have a tendency to see a therapist a few times, feel better about myself and decide there’s no need to go back since I’m fine this time! Things will be different! Eventually things fall apart and I have to start over. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve restarted so many times it’s kind of my thing. I tell him I’m poor, that I’m too busy looking for a job, trying to just eat better, trying to just focus on those things-when he chides me for making excuses.

I ask him, “don’t you read my blog?” He says, of course I do, but sometimes it’s hard to, Hed. There are times where your writing is like ‘everything is fine, look how great I am, blah blah blah’ and it’s just bullshit”. And he’s right. I am like that on my blog sometimes. You don’t think I’ve wanted to rip my heart out and show you all how much I’m hurting? You don’t think I want to talk about my marriage and how I don’t deserve my husband because I am a waste of space and will end up ruining his life? How I can’t sleep most nights because there is so much on my mind? That I often think of suicide and it brings me to tears? Of course I do. But I also know that reading a “woe is me” blog sucks ass, and if I really need to let things out, no matter how ashamed I am of feeling them, I will.

Then we get around to weight. You took me to OLIVE GARDEN and you want to talk about weight? I hate you so much right now. What am I doing for exercise? What about cutting out foods? And then he plays the fat card: “You know, you’ve gained weight, but you’re still pretty!” Where’s the dessert menu so I can bury my shame in a tiramisu?

By the way, BFF’s body isn’t buried in a shallow grave somewhere. After dinner we got frogurt and he dropped me off. I love him to death. He’s the haloed guy on my shoulder that tells me all the things I shouldn’t be doing. Sometimes I call him “Dad”, to his dismay. But he really does make me want to be a better person. I have told him numerous times that he should go into counseling because he really knows how to make an impact and he doesn’t mince words, which so many of us tend to do.

My best friend loves me for all the things he knows I can be, whereas my husband loves me for who I am. So I feel lucky that I have a motivator and an unconditional lover in my life. Even if he is a dick!

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