Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Love vs. Logic.

So J and I have decided to separate. Before everyone freaks, let me tell you it’s essentially exactly what we have been doing over the last nine months-living apart in different countries. The only difference this time is that instead of working on our relationship long-distance and trying to figure out plans while both of our heads were in no shape to do so, we are going to focus on ourselves.

This picture was taken in August 2008 on Magnetic Island. J and I were engaged, and I was in Australia meeting his family for the first time. There was so much love and happiness that it seemed nothing could break us down. I was on a high I had never felt before. Soon I was going to be a bride. A wife. Everything with us was so whirlwind-he proposed nine days after we met in person, and due to the Visa requirements had to instantly move in together and instantly get married after he was approved. There was never any turning back (not that we wanted to). I was doing so well and was so successful personally that it never occurred to me that having J actually in my world would be a massive change. I just naturally assumed that he would  fly over here and adapt to my life. I thought he would assimilate and I would take care of him until he didn’t need to be taken care of anymore. I forgot one minor detail: I could barely take care of myself.

On my days off of work, I slept. I ate take-out every day. I washed my clothes once every three weeks at best. I had bad days and loved to be left alone. As soon as J and I got married, I fell apart. I set up the wedding; picked out the house and the furniture; got him comfortable and tried to go back to my life and I couldn’t. It was almost like my brain went “what the hell now???” I was so depressed by Christmas (less than twenty-five days after our wedding) that I couldn’t even decorate the house or buy presents. By the end of January I was seeing a psychiatrist. By the end of March I was on medical leave from my work.

Everything got better on meds and then progressively worse. I was never put on a mood stabilizer for my bipolar so I got higher and higher until I crashed and took everything down with me-my job, my house, my finances. I haven’t worked since November 2009. I have been on my own since I was twenty and this is the first time in ten years where I have to rely on my husband and my parents to take care of me, and I hate it.

I have only been feeling better for the last few months, and while I was putting myself back together J started falling apart. It’s pretty common for spouses to suffer from depression related to stress-having to take care of their loved ones for so long and not worrying about themselves would wipe anyone out (like Catherine Zeta-Jones' struggle with Bipolar II after her husband’s cancer went into remission). I was so focused on myself and my pain that I was unable to see J’s own hurt. He’s now also in treatment and trying to deal with the guilt and loss of the last two years. It’s like we are constantly bouncing pain off of one another.

This is us back at Magnetic Island two weeks ago, nearly three years to the day after the first picture was taken. We are no longer in love-it’s much deeper and complex than I’ve ever felt for someone else before. I can truly say there is no one else I want but J in my life, and I know he feels the same. But is love enough? The last nine months I haven’t had him near to pull me up, and yet I was able to. I know now I am a better person when I am alone-I guess I am programmed that way. But my heart doesn’t want that. It wants J. We have a lot of things to work out, and we are going to do it separately. I’m torn on how I feel. On one hand, I’m already excited and looking forward to going back to the States and getting a damn job just to prove to myself that I can. On the other hand, I know that I won’t be able to fully move on until J and I have made serious decisions about our future, and that takes both of us.

I hate that I don’t know what the future holds. I want to press the “play” button on my life again. It feels like it has been on “pause” for so long, and I’m not getting any younger. I wish there was an easy answer. But there just isn’t, and it sucks ass. I’ve never been more torn in my life.

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  1. My sweet Hed...This is by far one of the most clearly written and thought out decisions I've read of yours since I've met you on blogger. I'm so impressed at your maturity level and your willingness to admit what you both need. YOU DID PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOURSELF! Be proud of that no matter whether you and J work it out or not. You have to take care of you first. J has to take care of J. If it doesn't work out, what a great time you had together. I'm just so happy to see you thinking with a clear and level head so I know you've been making huge strides with your meds and doctors. Congrats and keep up the good work. I'm sure it will hurt some but you're on the right track. Love you and here if you need me! Your EC Mom!!!

  2. This is what being a grown up feels like and looks like. I am so impressed with your maturity, sensitivity and thoughtfulness. I recently wrote that you have to save yourself first or you can't save anyone else. I would rather save than be save, is that a family trait I wonder? I am so happy to see you in so much a better place. I didn't say it wasn't a harder place, but I still believe from looking in on your life its a better place.

    The most shocking thing I have ever learned is that you can love someone more than life itself and still not be able to live with them. That is the single most terrifying, painful and freeing thing I have ever learned.

    I hope you and J work out what is best for you both and that you continue to thrive in your own way. Much love, Auntie R.

  3. Sucks, I'm sorry.

    But at least you're moving in a direction now. Like you said, no more pause button. Push play and start going. Wherever it takes you, at least you're going somewhere.

    But I still say love > logic. You never hear songs titled "Logic conquers all" or "All you need is logic." Still believe in love. Believe you'll find a way to make love work. How? I'm not sure. But that only makes it more adventurous/nerve-wracking.

    Good luck. Next time I'm in Cali and eating Miguel's, I'll send you a shout-out.

  4. I feel for you girlie, and for J. It's so hard when you love someone but you just aren't good for each other to be together. That's the worst kind of hurt, much more so than when you try to intentionally hurt someone or hold someone back by being mean, this happens by being in love. It's kind of a very mean trick that life has pulled on you two. I hope for the best for each of you, separately and together if that is what ends up being. Good for you for having the strength and courage to take care of you first.

  5. one thing I have learned just from your posts and your awesome winning percentage at words with friends is that you have extreme perseverance. you did the best thing: you acknowledge it. you are taking steps to find the best outcome, regardless of what that might look like. Keep going until you find what you want and more importantly, who you want to become.

    you're still pretty badass, just so you know.

  6. hey boo,

    just got caught up on your australia posts this morning. i'm so proud of you for getting yourself down there on your own! good luck with j, whatever happens you are both great people and deserve to find happiness :)

  7. I'm so sorry. Even when it's necessary, it's still sad when a marriage ends.

    You've ahd 9 months to work on yourself. I think you'll be better when this ends officially.


  8. Ah, what a tough situation. I'm so sorry.


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