Hi friends. I don’t think I’ve ever lapsed my blog for this long-five days!!! I’ve just…well, I’ve kind of been a zombie.
The Lithium makes me sleepy. All the time. If I’m not napping I’m crashed out on the couch, too tired to move. On top of that, it has given me focus, but on an extreme level. I have singular thoughts now-which should be a Godsend-but they are keeping me from any thoughts that have depth. I can’t read blogs or books at the moment because I’m re-reading sentence after sentence. What I mean is, I’m not scouring my brain for stories or ideas to write with. Everything in my head at the moment is pretty simple-minded. Even now I’m using a lot of effort to just finish this paragraph.
When I was depressed, feelings were all on the surface. It was like they were a needle poking me in the arm. They stung and they hurt. Now it’s like my arm is in a cast, and I can’t feel the needle at all. In essence this is a good thing because I’m not breaking down at stupid shit, but the numbness takes a bit of getting used to. I know there will come a time where I will forget how much I hurt and want to go off meds because I will want to “feel” again.
I’ve been sick since Sunday. I think I may have a stomach flu of some sort-compounded with the meds’ side effect of nausea-I am not a happy camper. I had to reschedule my psych appointment on Monday, and I hope I’m feeling well enough for my two appointments tomorrow-one being the "results" doctor. I’ll let you know what he says, and if I’m dying or anything.
So, in short, apologies if this whole post didn’t make sense or is fragmented. I stopped and started it like three times so I could try and stay on point. The shitty thing is, when I was depressed I was so aware of how I was feeling that I could write and write. Now that it is lifting, I am drawing a blank. I know the good outweighs the bad here, but I hope I don’t lose my writer’s brain. That would suck ass.