Friday, April 15, 2011

Shh! Don’t jinx it!

I have been out, at a restaurant, IN PUBLIC, three times this week.

Three times!

The best part? All my meals were free I was able to actually spend time with people I love.

Last Friday I met my estranged best friend Kato for dinner. The last time I had seen her was for our going away party last August. It’s a long, complicated story about how we got estranged-that’s a whole other blog post one day-and I almost cancelled about four times. But seeing her and straightening things out needed to be done, so I went.

At first I was really anxious about sitting in a crowded restaurant waiting for our table. It got worse when a manager I used to work with (we were at my old restaurant where I was a manager, just a different location) turned out to be the general manager now. That kind of broke my heart because it made me think that could be me, and I threw it away. It made me want to leave. Talking to Kato about cute boys and hair color made me zone out on the surroundings a little.

Now Kato is a busy girl. Like, insanely busy. One of those “I’ll see if I can fit you in between 7:00 and 7:15” people. So when we met for dinner I was expecting her to kind of eat and run. When the server came and I asked Kato if we were in a hurry, she told me, “I’m on your time, hed”. I nearly fell out of the booth.

We talked about anything and everything, and hung out there for two hours. I asked if she wanted to go to Target with me, and she did! AND, after that we sat in my car and cried it out for an hour (it was me doing the crying-Kato is a soldier). I feel much more confident that I have a friend to talk to/confide in again, and we made a promise to each other that we would make time at least once a month to hang out and talk. I was elated.

At the advice of my hubs, I confess I (badly) photoshopped out my double chin!

Thursday I had to take my mom to physical therapy, and afterward she, my grandpa and I went out to lunch. That night, after much stressing, I met up with my whole family at Outback Steakhouse for my brother-in-law’s birthday (Note to my Australian readers: yes, there is a place called Outback steakhouse, and the chain has items such as “Queensland Salad” and “Walkabout Soup”. Don’t believe me? Here is their dessert menu:)

When my family saw I came, there were comments as “hey! Hed came!” and “you’re actually here! Let me get my camera out as proof!” I sat next to my 11-year-old nephew (who apparently has the Bieber fever?), and we all had a really nice time.

I had to bribe him for a picture. He’s too cool for one apparently.

The end result of all of this? I had a good time. I had fun. I laughed and smiled and made follow-up plans to see them again. A weird feeling has kind of taken over me this week: I feel… happy? WTF?!?!?!


I’m afraid to say that word out loud. I’m afraid to say it because depression is evil and cruel and just when you think you feel better something comes and kicks you in the gut when you least expect it. Is this my calm before the storm? Will I find out REALLY BAD NEWS when I get my test results back and this is karma’s way of balancing things out? Will I get new meds on Monday that will give me all kinds of horrible side effects? I don’t know.

I’m terrified this feeling won’t last. Today I did my homework and made chicken tortilla soup-all by myself-from scratch (I promise to post the recipe soon). When I realized I was missing an ingredient, without hesitation I got in the car and drove to the grocery store. I was actually being productive!

There is still some residue, though. At lunch on Thursday, they messed up my order and I stammered and apologized my way through telling the server that it was wrong. I still get really anxious before leaving the house if I allow myself to think about actually leaving. After lunch my mom wanted to go to Kohl’s, and I just wanted to go home-I didn’t want to overextend myself after having lunch and knowing about the big dinner that night. I’m trying to take baby steps so that way if I do have a setback, hopefully it won’t be soul crushing.

Now I’m off to sample my soup!

Seriously the best soup in the WORLD!!!

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  1. Woo hoo! That's great news- and about the outback steakhouse, I'll have to admit that the best steak I ever had... was in Chicago! Oh and that soup looks awesome!

  2. Very quietly doing a happy dance for you.
    But no pavlova on the menu?

    Baby steps Hed and celebrate each success.
    With much love & hugs xx

  3. Your nephew is a cutie. I can see he's rocking the bieber hair cut,lol. I'm so happy you're making so much progress! Just keep it up girl :)
    haha i know so many people that do the whole "i'll see of i can fit u into my schedule between 7:00 and 7:15" :p
    Lovely post!!

  4. That picture of the menu: I'm guessing the first number is the price, which is ridiculously cheap. But what's the second number? God I hope it's not the calories. If I lived somewhere that stated calories on everything, I think I'd starve myself out of shame. It all sounds so good though. And it's weird to think there's an Aussie-inspired restaurant in America.

  5. After seeing the picture of you & your nephew all I can think about is, WOW you look "hot" in that picture Hed. I am thrilled you have been having these victories & pray they will continue. Hang in there & know we are cheering you on to the next victory.

  6. I'll have the Chocolate Thunder from Downunder please!

  7. Hey! That's great that you got out and did stuff with friends and family! Yay, Hed!! But, don't think of it as "the calm before the storm". Just take the day for what it was: a good one! Your days don't have to be a series of checks and balances. Just let a great day be a great day and deal with the less than great ones when they come. Love ya, doll!

  8. nice...very nice!

    so happy but i wont would just depress you..yeah, i AM that bad..

    but... fist bump, high five, big bear hug!

  9. well done you, baby steps, that's the key. I am so glad that you have had a really good week :)

  10. woohoo that's wonderful hugs

  11. So proud of you for going out. Sounds like a very promising week and just keep looking forward like that. One day at a time. Must think positive, must think positive!!!

    P.S. No one sees anything but your gorgeous eyes when they look at your picture.

  12. I am proud of you for facing your fears, taking steps, and feeling good about it all.

    I am also excited you are on twitter.

  13. That's awesome!! Congrats...some really huge leaps....I love it when you post are a hottie!! Hugs to you

  14. I love gpoing to the outhouse steakback, I mean denny's. The blooming onion thing is purdy cool. I really don't think it should be considered Aussie unless they start selling vegemite. I've never had it, but the Aussie ppl I know swear by it.

    Congrats on the chillin outside. I lknow how that is.

  15. FF-Chicago beef is to DIE for! Seriously, I don't know what they feed their cows...

    Mynx-I never thought of that! They SHOULD have pavlova and caramel tart on the menu!!

    Kitkat-Thanks! I think he looks cute with the Bieber, but I'm biased :)

    Megan-Sadly, you are correct. A California law came into effect that if you have x amount of restaurants, you have to put calorie counts on the menu-it's a way for us to somehow combat obesity, but they have done studies that people eat the same shit no matter :(

    Odie-Aww :) You're always wayyy too nice to me!

    Erica-It was SO GOOD! They gave us two of them for free because we dropped $$$! That was pretty cool!

    Heather-What you're proposing sounds SO EASY! Unfortunately I think my anxiety gets in the way of taking things as they may. BOO!

    Ckrets-I'll try!

    Bruce-*gives fist bump back*

    OT-I really did...crazy, eh?

    Lyndylou, Becca and Colenic-thanks ladies! :D

    Barb-Thanks hee hee. All I saw was the chin! :P

    Lance-Your Twits (tweets?) are like manna from heaven ha ha :)

    Rafa-Honestly? Denny's > Outback. J actually told me to tell the server "THIS PLACE IS AN ABORTION!!!" Needless to say, I did not.

  16. Yay yay YAY! I am so proud of you! This is a perfect example of an "up". You know, as in "Life has it's ups and downs". Remember this fun week until you replace it with the next "up" and the next and the next....

  17. "Chocolate Thunder From Down Under" sounds more like a bad Australian-themed porno than a dessert.

    This made me laugh... a lot. My thoughts are HILARIOUS! :D

    Also, I'm glad you're feeling so much better. Fingers crossed the feeling lasts!

  18. Thank you for your comments. You know what's funny? Every time I read your blog and a couple others who have bipolar or PD I always think "they explain it so well I wish I could do that". You explain things much better than you realize and reading your words helps me to be able to explain what's in my head. Before I started reading other blogs I could never put what I felt into words. It was just a jumbled up mess inside my head that I couldn't even begin to sort through, but now thanks to you and a few others I have found, I am finally able to express what is rambling around in my brain.

  19. HI BOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    god, i've missed you so much. i left for a week, but now i'm back :)

    now then - where i come from, the "chocolate thunder from down under" means something TOTALLY different. as in, you can only see it twice nightly on the centre stage.

    i'm glad you're doing well :)

  20. Woop Woop! I get goosebumps when you post happy stuff! I just get a high reading your pleasure posts and I can feel the energy!!! Keep it up and let my black ass overdose on your goodness!!!

  21. Soapbox-That's seriously my goal. But I think karma owes me some wicked "ups" soon!

    Dani-Q-doesn't it sound dirty?!?

    Maasiyat-The reason I started writing is because I searched far and wide for people who I could identify with, and found nothing. Now, almost a year later, I finally feel like I have people who write that actually get it. You're one of them, and I thank you so much!

    Kage-After your comment I keep thinking of your blog title from yesterday: "Maybe he doesn't WANT his penis licked," The Princess Exclaimed. Crap!

    Falen-YAY! enjoy your days off!!!

  22. Yay! I need to do that with a few of my friends. I haven't seen them in FOREVER!


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