I have been out, at a restaurant, IN PUBLIC, three times this week.
The best part?
All my meals were free I was able to actually spend time with people I love.
Last Friday I met my estranged best friend Kato for dinner. The last time I had seen her was for our going away party last August. It’s a long, complicated story about how we got estranged-that’s a whole other blog post one day-and I almost cancelled about four times. But seeing her and straightening things out needed to be done, so I went.
At first I was really anxious about sitting in a crowded restaurant waiting for our table. It got worse when a manager I used to work with (we were at my old restaurant where I was a manager, just a different location) turned out to be the general manager now. That kind of broke my heart because it made me think that could be me, and I threw it away. It made me want to leave. Talking to Kato about cute boys and hair color made me zone out on the surroundings a little.
Now Kato is a busy girl. Like, insanely busy. One of those “I’ll see if I can fit you in between 7:00 and 7:15” people. So when we met for dinner I was expecting her to kind of eat and run. When the server came and I asked Kato if we were in a hurry, she told me, “I’m on your time, hed”. I nearly fell out of the booth.
We talked about anything and everything, and hung out there for two hours. I asked if she wanted to go to Target with me, and she did! AND, after that we sat in my car and cried it out for an hour (it was me doing the crying-Kato is a soldier). I feel much more confident that I have a friend to talk to/confide in again, and we made a promise to each other that we would make time at least once a month to hang out and talk. I was elated.
At the advice of my hubs, I confess I (badly) photoshopped out my double chin!
Thursday I had to take my mom to physical therapy, and afterward she, my grandpa and I went out to lunch. That night, after much stressing, I met up with my whole family at Outback Steakhouse for my brother-in-law’s birthday (Note to my Australian readers: yes, there is a place called Outback steakhouse, and the chain has items such as “Queensland Salad” and “Walkabout Soup”. Don’t believe me? Here is their dessert menu:)
When my family saw I came, there were comments as “hey! Hed came!” and “you’re actually here! Let me get my camera out as proof!” I sat next to my 11-year-old nephew (who apparently has the Bieber fever?), and we all had a really nice time.
I had to bribe him for a picture. He’s too cool for one apparently.
The end result of all of this? I had a good time. I had fun. I laughed and smiled and made follow-up plans to see them again. A weird feeling has kind of taken over me this week: I feel… happy? WTF?!?!?!
I’m afraid to say that word out loud. I’m afraid to say it because depression is evil and cruel and just when you think you feel better something comes and kicks you in the gut when you least expect it. Is this my calm before the storm? Will I find out REALLY BAD NEWS when I get my test results back and this is karma’s way of balancing things out? Will I get new meds on Monday that will give me all kinds of horrible side effects? I don’t know.
I’m terrified this feeling won’t last. Today I did my homework and made chicken tortilla soup-all by myself-from scratch (I promise to post the recipe soon). When I realized I was missing an ingredient, without hesitation I got in the car and drove to the grocery store. I was actually being productive!
There is still some residue, though. At lunch on Thursday, they messed up my order and I stammered and apologized my way through telling the server that it was wrong. I still get really anxious before leaving the house if I allow myself to think about actually leaving. After lunch my mom wanted to go to Kohl’s, and I just wanted to go home-I didn’t want to overextend myself after having lunch and knowing about the big dinner that night. I’m trying to take baby steps so that way if I do have a setback, hopefully it won’t be soul crushing.
Now I’m off to sample my soup!
Seriously the best soup in the WORLD!!!