Saturday, March 19, 2011

Thoughts.

It’s after 4am. It’s Day 5 for me not being able to turn my brain off at night.  The half a Valium my mom gave me a while ago is starting to help, but I’m still lying in bed wide awake,  staring at the wall. I got a thought in my head I wanted to share before I lose it in the fog of drowsy blankness.

When I speak, my words are like air. They disappear as soon as they are spoken and float away like they never existed. Lately whenever I open my mouth to talk one of two things go along with it: tears or humiliation. Tears because I hurt all the time and when I do have the energy to talk and the words to say things, it hurts so much to get it out. It’s like my voice box is connected to my tear ducts. Humiliation because when I open my mouth when I have to talk to strangers it’s nothing but flustered, awkward mutterings like I’m some crazy lady with eighteen cats.

So I write. I text my friends to let them know I’m still around. I e-mail my family happy birthdays and congratulations because I don’t have the strength to say anything more out loud. I blog because when I hurt, my words become cement. I can look back and reflect on them when I’m really happy (one day) to see if I can find what maybe triggered me to write those words in the first place and learn from them. I can read them when I’m feeling awful and know that one time, I had a good day. Remember that day Hed? It’s not always this bad, I can tell myself.

My memory has been failing me since this depression cloud shit all over my life. If I didn’t document it all I would be doomed to repeat certain cycles that I don’t want in my life anymore. So I write.

It’s all I have at the moment. I write.

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19 comments:

  1. At least you are recognizing your state of mind and finding a creative outlet. How many other people curl up in bed and don't?

    Proud that you include me and others in your thoughts.

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  2. If you were able to hold a management position at a retail sales counter YOU CAN TALK VERY WELL! You have to learn that you are perfectly justified in speaking as much as the next person. This is something you need to talk to the therapist with and work on. YOU ARE IMPORTANT and so is WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY! Love ya, EC Mom

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  3. you are a wonderful human being and a great person...

    we all have days, and although i do not have the same situation you have, i have no diagnosis, no illness, i can relate...

    some days it is the same for me...

    just know that we are all out here for you and if i could slip thru this cable and modem and give you a big hug i would...

    tucker says you also need a big lickity lick lick...

    oh and a major belly scratch!

    i will leave that to him!

    take care lil one!

    bruce and tucker

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  4. yeah, i was wondering why you wrote something on my facebook page at 6 o'clock this morning.

    poor girl, not being able to sleep is so frustrating! hopefully the valium helped, and you were able to get a few hours of sleep.

    and don't you ever stop writing.

    la you :)

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  5. IT will get better, I don't know when, but it will.

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  6. awww..why you depressed? can u do me a favor and not call it the "D" word cos that alone is depressing. call it sumn more zany and undepressing. and i can empathize with u cos i feel the way u do sometimes.
    take it easy and focus on stuff that makes u happy :)

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  7. so glad that you are able to put a voice - any voice - to your thoughts. most people do not. sometimes, i do not. that is why i also started writing. if you look back at where my blog began when my husband first got so sick in 2008, you'll see that i decided i had to write or go crazy with fear and depression. i chose to write.

    good for you...

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  8. hope sleep comes soon and your able to turn off your brain

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  9. It is an effort Heb, hang in there and keep communicating with us.

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  10. Ur pretty brave. Well done.

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  11. You're doing great Hed. It may not seem like it right now, but you are. To be able to write and share your thoughts is a great thing. We're all right here with you Hed; your followers, your readers x

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  12. Sorry you're going through this. Keep writing, we'll keep reading.

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  13. Hey Hed, again, I know exactly how you feel. As you, sometimes all I can do is blog or e-mail, or fb. I don't talk on the phone, I don't know what will happen if I try. I have a difficult time even talking to my dad who is dying of lung cancer. Your blogs inspire me. Feel better. Ps as I take 30mg of valium daily, it doesn't help with my sleep. I've been taking Benadryl. That's what I used to medicate the seniors with in the nursing home, but check with your MD. Peace

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  14. You don't give yourself enough credit Hed. Just give yourself a few calming breaths before speaking and keep that steady breathing rythm. That's what helps me when I feel that way and I'm on the verge of tears (like right now haha).

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  15. Counter thoughts

    Try thinking of your dark cloud as a black dog - one that looks large and scary, barks loudly but once you get to know it, you realise it is just a big scaredy cat and is actually as docile as a kitten. By all means exercise your black dog, stroke and feed it but never let it dominate you...remember you have the power to take away it’s bone….

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  16. I started blogging at a time when my anxiety was almost unbearable. It was so therapeutic and brought me out of my head so much. Any time I'm feeling like a panic attack is coming on, I get on my blog and just start writing. It always helps to get the thoughts/feelings out. :)

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  17. I think writing is therapeutic - at least it has been for me. Sometimes the words just need to get out of my head. Other times, it feels like a weight off of my shoulders to finally "release" thoughts or concepts. It also helps to write about different things but not to post them immediately.

    Most people don't realize just how much energy talking takes. It takes a lot! I will write about my experience with that at some point.... Anyway, don't talk if you don't feel up to it. Do what you think is best. :-)

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  18. Thanks to everyone who replied to this. I was having a hard time that day expressing what I was feeling in words, and as soon as I wrote it out I was able to get some sleep.

    You're all kick-ass!

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