Saturday, March 26, 2011

This is how it goes.

I wanted to be this guy tonight.

Instead, I am this guy-with tears attached.

I’ll start from the beginning.

Two weeks ago, I was invited to see “Sucker Punch” and have dinner from a friend of one of my best friends, The Owl. I automatically think to decline, since that is a social event and I can no longer do social events due to anxiety. A few days ago, my best friend SS says he and The Owl may be coming up from where they live (which is an hour away) to come to the dinner/movie and they want me to go. I say I’ll go if SS goes. He tells me he’ll let me know either way.

This morning I get a text saying “we’re going to collect you between 4:30 and 5:00”. I immediately tense up and text him back, “ACK I don’t know if I want to go…ever since you said you were coming up my stomach has been in knots being around all those people”.

Here’s the thing, people: when I have to leave the house I set up in my mind a million of the worst-case scenarios. At dinner, what if they ask me what I’ve been up to? What if everyone looks at me? What if I don’t know some of the people that are coming? What if I’m the fattest one there and I have to EAT in front of strangers? The thought of these things make me break out in a cold sweat.

SS texts me later that the others are ordering a pizza and it’s just the three of us for dinner. That’s great! I think to myself. I don’t have to eat in front of strangers, and when I do have to be around people it will be in a dark theater. No questions, no looks, just the movie and then we leave! I can do that! I agree to go.

As I’m getting ready, I get a text from The Owl saying “after we eat we may go to K’s for a minute. Is that okay?” Now I’m stressing again. I have to go to someone’s house? With their family there? I text back, “if you guys have a bunch of things to do then just go”. He doesn’t understand what I mean, so he calls me. I explain that the plans are changing on me and I’m nervous enough as it is. I start to cry because everything is becoming a BIG FUCKING DEAL in my head. My mom offers me half a Valium because she really wants me to get out of the house and socialize, and I accept it. Twenty minutes later the Valium kicks in as the guys come to pick me up.

Dinner was kick-ass. Fun and laughs and great seafood. A couple of hours later we head across the street to the movie theater and buy our tickets. We come across a girl I recognize from The Owl’s group of friends. She has four other girls with her I don’t know-already a red flag in my mind because girls essentially are judgmental assholes (myself included). I’m starting to get nervous and start fidgeting with my jacket. She tells The Owl that she didn’t know I would be coming and that they don’t have enough seats in their row. Now I’m breathing heavy. I’m a burden. I’m a pain and they have to change what they are doing to accommodate me! I tell The Owl it’s fine, I’ll sit in another row, it’s no problem. As we get up to their row, I grab the first chair closest to the aisle-nearly ten seats farther from where the rest of the group is sitting. SS tells me to get up, that we need to head to the other side of the row. When we get to that side, I again grab the first chair closest to the aisle.

When the movie was over (it was okay FYI-total chick flick disguised as an action movie), everyone stays in their seat. I ask SS to come with me into the lobby and we head out of the theater. A few minutes later, everyone else heads into the lobby. Not one person stopped to talk to me or introduce themselves. They just kept walking. Even The Owl. Now, you would think this would be A-OK with me since I don’t have to interact with anyone, but now I am freaking out. Do they know something is wrong with me? Is it because I’m fat and ugly? Did The Owl tell them not to approach me??? SS and I followed behind them outside into the parking lot.

I hear from up ahead that they are going to the coffee shop. At this point I am just trying to control my shaking and breathing. I tell SS, I think I’m going to throw up, please stop. He tries to tell me everything is fine but I’m not hearing it. I just want to get to his car. I want to get away from everyone. After finding the car I get in, shut the door, and hot tears stream down my face.

The entire drive to my house I don’t say a word. My body hurts from being so tense, and I’m trying (and failing) to hold in my tears (SS is not the best of comforters). Don’t go out again, Hed, I tell myself. This is what happens. You failed. You can’t interact with people anymore. You are a failure. WHY ARE YOU EVEN TRYING?

I get home, take the other half of Valium and head to my computer. I figure I can explain to you my thought process and the anatomy of a panic attack if the thoughts and feelings are still fresh in my mind.

I don’t want your good thoughts and hugs tonight, will all due respect to my lovely and awesome readers. I pretty much feel hopeless-which sucks ass because I have had about four “good” days in a row. I feel back to square one. Again.

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  1. Sorry you had such a crappy night. I'll leave it at that.

  2. From the time that I was 11 until I was about 25, I wouldn't eat in front of people. It took YEARS for my best friend (that I have known since I was 11 and am still friends with today) to get me to eat something in public, even with JUST. HIM.
    I won't go places alone. People might stare at me.
    I won't enter a place if I am meeting someone there, unless they are already there. This makes me appear late EVERYWHERE.
    I don't like being places where I don't know someone but then, like church, I only knew one person... so I sat by him. And people started spreading rumors about us, so now the thought of going to CHURCH makes me want to vomit and I shake and turn red just driving into the parking lot.
    Then the whole peer pressure thing and not wanting everyone to KNOW my fears and how I feel like a freak because I know it isn't normal and... sigh
    Honey, you are SO not alone.

  3. Two weeks ago, I was invited to see “Sucker Punch” and have dinner.
    Dinner was kick-ass. Fun and laughs and great seafood.
    I have had four “good” days in a row. :)


  4. Foist things foist, thank you for coming! I'm glad you came out and I got to see you even if it was just for a minute after the movie. I'm also glad you liked the movie, would have sucked for you to go through all that for a shitty movie. Now on to reassurance. You weren't a burden, I just miscounted, but luckily Arin and his date didn't make it lol. If they had they would have just sat in front of us, no big deal. We pig out on food, my friend Kristen had 5 slices of pizza and probably would have had more if she hadn't been thwarted. And after the movie I think everyone was just preoccupied with discussing the movie, the owl didn't prep anyone on you. As for no introductions, I didn't think about it, so it's my bad. But like I said, I'm just glad you came =)

  5. Rest Mgr-Thanks <3

    Miley-Yep, you hit the nail on the head. It doesn't help either that I'm overweight and am totally convinced that they see me eating ranch dressing, or something deep fried and go "why?"

    Anon-Thank you for pointing out the good things. You have no idea how often I glaze over them <3

    Brian-Love.You. Thank you for not judging me (damn it, now you've made me cry). It took everything I had (and a Valium!) to come out tonight, and I just wanted it to be so good so I could go out again, and again, and again...

  6. I really am sorry you had to endure that awful time.

  7. Yep! It's offical. I'm kidnapping you and dragging your ass to Texas so you won't feel like that again! I'll protect ya and my homies will make you feel comfortable like family!

  8. Hed. That's it! I've had enough! You need to come live with us for about a year! We'll make you see how special you really are and get you so conceited that you won't give a shit about what anyone thinks of you. Pack your stuff, you're moving to the southeast. That was a bad night for you and your friend should have gone a bit out of his way to include you into conversation with others. That's the first thing you do when bringing a stranger into a group of friends (shame on you Brian). Hed, you've got to learn to love yourself and know how beautiful you are. I'm fat, I admit it, and if anyone doesn't like it, too f**king bad! But, I'm not a slob, I eat with manners and I laugh and smile. What makes you think that those people around you are better than you Hed? They aren't. No one is better than anyone else!! I love you Hed. I really would love to be closer to you so I could spend time with you and make you see how beautiful you really are. Your EC Mom!!!

  9. I hate when I have plans with some people and they bring other people who meet up with other people and so on. I like to know who is going to be there when I get there so that I can prepare my mind for what to possibly expect. When you prepare to be comfortable with comfortable people it throws me off when I have to be uncomfortable. (I am rambling.)

    I am sorry that it did not turn out the way you had hoped for.

    And thanks for letting us know it is a Chick Flick. I will not be taking "The Boy" to see it ... he will most likely fall asleep.

  10. i think it's great that you got yourself out there, boo, and stuck with it for a whole evening. it's hard to even accept the invitation when you have social anxieties, but you did it.

    la you :)

  11. I get like that too, which is probably why I drink so much. Not a good thing. The only thing about feeling like that is that one has to try and remember that time passes, no matter what we do or think. Even the most painful torture, will eventually end. I'm amorbid fuck, but it keeps me going.

    Side note, I can't wait to see Suckerpunch. I love women that kick ass!

  12. There are good days and bad days. That's how it goes with us. Thanks for the Sucker Punch review. I was mildy interested until I read your post. Hang in there.

  13. That annonymous person above hit the nail on the head.

  14. So many memories of sitting in my car in a parking lot, trying to force my hands on the door handle, trying to force my feet to step out of the car, only to shut the door as fast as I can and go back home to hide. Yes, yes. I know that feeling. No comforting words if you don't want them, but know that for us, what you accomplished was a victory.

  15. Everything in time.

    Glad dinner rocked.

    Everyone needs laughs and some human interaction.

    You are not a burden.

  16. Wow, after reading this post the amount of bravery you showed just stepping out of your door awes me.

  17. I just want to show up at your house and flash you. Is that wierd? Would it make you smile? Did this comment make you smile?

    When I say flash, I mean my boobs, not my ass. I guess that would be mooning. And I would never moon you. I loves ya too much, doll.

  18. i go through anxiety attacks in social situations sometimes too! are so NOT alone. thnks for sharing sumn as personal as this :)

  19. *hugs*

    Sorry the night was so chaotic.

    Feel better. Dammit. AND STAY AWAY FROM TEXAS! =P

  20. Don't care if you don't want it. I am sending you hugs anyway and you will just have to have them. You are a strong beautiful young woman who had 4 great days and one bad one. That is 80% positive. That is a pass in my book.

  21. I think we should form a superhero duo. Not to fight crime, just to punish crappy friends and friends of friends. So not really superhero-ish but more I will kick your ass for being a dick kind of thing.

    I think we would do very well for ourselves.

    You're awesome. Yeah, I said it.

  22. "Ugly"?? That is the LAST word I would think of to describe you. Just look at your photos at the top of your blog! I think going out was good because A. You tried and B. It was a learning experience. One day at a time, my dear. :-)

  23. I feel for you. I deal with anxiety every day, and sometimes it's all I can do to make myself go to campus and be around all of those people.

  24. Odie-Thanks :)

    Falen-As long as it's cockroach free I'm on my way! Except I fear incarceration with the two of us running around!

    Barb-That would be a blast and also probably really damn insightful. If J and I ever tour the east coast you would be #1 on my list of people to visit <3

    Rock Show-I fear change...ACK! And to top it off it was all girls, so I was tripley nervous. PS Boy would probably like it because there's enough fighting and sexy girls to mask the chick flickiness of it.

    Kage-Yeah, looking back two days later I am glad I went. La yooooou :)

    Rafa-Knowing how addiction runs in my family, I try to do the alcohol thing in moderation-but I was pretty damn close to talking a few shots if I didn't get that Valium, that's for sure.

    Lance-Yeah, I give it like six stars. It was okay...thanks :)

    OT-he/she really did.

    Deus-Thanks. I know your feeling as well, since that's usually the outcome for me 98% of the time.

    Stephanie-Thanks <3

    RV-Aw shucks! I have to really try and look on the positives, don't I?

    Heather-To be honest, I wish you would just run around me butt nekkid. Is that weird?

    Kitkat-I'm glad you could identify (well not really glad, as being anxious sucks ass, but you know what I mean!)

    Idaho-Thanks. Texas. Only for Falen would I voluntarily step into that state :)

    Mynx-Thanks, I accept :) It's all how you look at it, and I know you are right-it was a 80% success!

    Jerrod-That would be kick ass! But you're kind of a superhero as it is, what with three megablogs that you help run. My brain hurts enough with one! PS YOU'RE AWESOMER.

    Soapbox-Pshaw :)

    Jess-I just want to learn how to cope better without having to dope myself up, you know?

  25. You rock!! I may not exactly have social anxiety, but I do get scared, and when I get scared, I run (seriously, for me, it's never fight or flight. It's only flight. :\ ) You didn't, and that makes you such an inspiration. :) :)
    We love you, Hed! Just hang in there... :)


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