Saturday, March 12, 2011

Here’s the thing…

I haven’t gotten out of bed since Tuesday.

Even though I know the job catastrophe was entirely not my fault, I think it may have ripped me to shreds. There was hope in that job.

Hope that I would eventually have money saved to figure out what to do about my life, and more importantly, my marriage. No money means I don’t see my husband anytime soon.

Hope that I would be back in the workforce, and with every passing day gain some semblance of self-confidence in interacting with strangers and employers that my social anxieties would start to lessen.

Hope that with a routine I would break out of this depressive rut I have been in for OVER EIGHTEEN MONTHS NOW and actually have energy and to eventually be like a grown-up again.

I forced myself to go to my therapy appointment Wednesday, only because I would have gotten double-charged if I didn’t go. Even the calming influence of Dr. Nadia did nothing to boost my mood. When I got home I caught up on reading my 75+ blogs, and it took me over three hours. I decided to stop following over half. I just don’t have the energy anymore, and for those of you who follow me only because I followed you (which, I’m sorry, is a horrible guideline), I guess I’ll see you later.

The only post I could muster was of hot celebs this week. That’s it.

Even Thursday’s try at writing was a bust.

I hate when I get like this. I ask myself, “what can I do today?” and my stupid evil brain says “go back to bed!” and I listen. No one in my family understands. They all think I am just a selfish jerk. Today is my cousin’s 25th birthday party and I couldn’t go. I don’t want to be around happiness. I don’t want to be hugged. I don’t want anyone to ask how I’m doing. I just want to be left alone.

As cheesy as it is that I am comparing my life to the “Twilight” saga, I feel like my life is passing me by every day and I just don’t have the energy to “cherish every day”, “live life to the fullest” and all the other motivational things people say to try and cheer you up.

I write these things and share them with my family in the hopes that maybe one day I will get through to them. Maybe one day they can see that I hurt all the time, and I don’t want them to see how bad it is-and that’s why I don’t involve myself. My mom sees it every day, but my stepdad just doesn’t get it. He thinks I am a fat, lazy slob who is “a 30-year-old teenager”. The thing is, I once was a grown-up. I didn’t rely on anyone but myself. I did things, I talked to people, I felt love and had it reciprocated to me.

Now? I feel absolutely nothing but hurt, pain, fear, sadness and despair-and it scares the hell out of me that I will never come back from this.

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  1. That's the mental illness talking., I know the drill. You have a bad day, you write some crap, you don't accomplish something you wanted to, and suddenly you beat the hell out of yourself.

    Who are you? Who do you want to be? That's what gets me out of bed every day. From what i've read from you, you have done a lot of work on youself. You've come a long way. Stay on your path. You don't get as far as you've gotten by letting a rough few days beat you up.

    Hang in there. You're worth all the awesome you can get.

  2. Brutal honesty. I appreciate that. My husband will be out of work in about a month and I don't know how he is going to respond. I understand completely where you are. It's not the optimal place. It's hell. I can't tell you your selfish or get over it. It just doesn't work that way. Do what you think is best for you. I go shopping when I feel that way. Fortunately, my husband is very loving man and understands when I do this. I hope you feel better before too long.

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  4. I hope I made the cut...

    Sorry you've been so down lately. A therapist helps, and so does venting. Hopefully this blog helps stabilize you in some way.

    Hoping things get better soon. Now that I know(ish) where you are, I know how bad the unemployment rates are. It's really rough, and good jobs are slim.

    My fingers are crossed for ya.

  5. People say I know how you feel & sometimes that is just words but I have seen the bottom and the ugliness and wanted out of this world and the pain. I was there in Dec of 08 and the love of a lot of people brought me back. Of course it wasn't easy but I realized I was worth it and believe me Heather you are too. You have to start only listening to positive thoughts regarding your life and choose to pull yourself out of this hold on your life. Email me if you want to communicate that way. I seriously want to help in any way I can. on the weekends and during the week.

  6. I know exactly how you feel.

  7. You will come back because you have a reason to come back. The time frame however is yours to keep as you please. It sucks when others try to hurry you because they get frustrated, but there's nothing more personal than a depression. It's yours and you'll be done with it when you're done with it. If you want to.

    Unrelated: as gay as this makes me,I'm thankful for the Twilight movies for introducing me to Kristen Stewart. Me Loves me some Kristen!!

  8. I'm so, so sorry for your pain. I truly understand bi-polar issues. The disorder runs in my family. It is a tough situation you find yourself in and not many people understand or know what to do when they don't. Heck, not many people who do understand know what to do.

    One thing that is helping me right now is to focus on stuff I've read in The Secret ( and practicing the 'good' things. "Fake it til ya make it" sort of thing.

  9. Awwww mama! If I gotta pull off my arm and beat myself to sleep with it to get you to crack a smile and feel better...I would so do it!

  10. Hugs to you...I am sorry that you are not feeling well...I hope that things start to get better for you soon..hugs and lots of love to you!

  11. i can so relate. i have days like that and it sucks...i have been struggling with doing lately...i have forced myself to move and do...
    you are in my thoughts and prayers...

  12. I feel like I should have the greatest of words to say here, because I have been (somewhat) in the place that you may be right now. But my words cannot apply to your specific situation and thought process. I can tell you that hiding under the covers, you will only find the same things that were there the last time. I guess that's why it's easy to go there. It's familiar. I remember tossing back some pills and sleeping months of my life away. Guess what? My life was still there when I woke up. Every time. I just had to push back the covers and put my damn feet on the ground. Give it a try, Hed. Covers=darkness. Get out of the darkness.

    Bloglove, SF

  13. Lance-My therapist does say I'm the harshest on myself...

    BA-Honestly is pretty much why I started this blog. I scoured blogs trying to find someone who was like me, and I couldn't. So I started one of my own.

    I always warn people that this blog isn't puppy dogs and rainbows all the time...

    Korren-<3. Thank you for ALWAYS reading and caring.

    Idaho-You're still on there, but with your 300+ followers, how would you know? (just kidding hee hee)

    Odie-You are one of my biggest supporters and I thank you for that. I'll be okay for now, it's just one of those days/weeks/months/years...

    Rafa-She's a pretty decent actress. I've seen her in some early stuff, and her awkwardness is kind of just her. I liked her in "The Runaways".

    (See how I completely deflected the depression thing? I'm good at that.)

    Teresa-I try, I really do. I think since I am so new to therapy it's not a habit yet, so I don't have the full ability to block it all out.

    Falen-LOL. Reading your blog always cracks me up. Maybe it is my crack. So yes, you always help <3

    Colenic-Thank you. I can do e-hugs, it's the real ones I struggle with :)

    Bruce-Like Odie, you are one of my biggest supporters and I thank you bunches for that. Doing sucks sometimes, sometimes I want to be just living and not having it be so damn hard!

  14. Heather-I must have missed your comment by a few minutes! I know what you're saying. I really do. I feel frozen. That's the only way to explain it. Even speaking takes too much effort sometimes.

  15. Ugh I hate that scene, it’s like having a toothpick jammed in my eye. We’re expected to believe the fawned over her teenage crush for months and woke up screaming every night?

    Twilight sucks Barney the dinosaur’s giant purple nutsack.

  16. i have no words of wisdoms or great insight but if you need to vent you can email me

    rebeccabryant562 at hotmail dot com

    hugs honeys

  17. I feel cool that I made the cut. lol

  18. If I'm ever down south, and you need someone to vent to and fill you up with beer, let me know. I'll be happy to be your enabler for a day. =P

  19. I know all too well, how you feel. I was like this for a good eight years. My parents refused to get me a therapist because they though it was just a phase. I learned to hide it really well that I was depressed. Don't let anyone rush you out of this, take your own precious time. In the meantime find something that will help make you want to get out of bed or something that will force it upon you. For me these things were school and basketball. I'd play basketball for seven to ten hours a day because it was something I could do by myself and kind of made me feel content inside. I wasn't exactly happy but it worked for the time being. Find that something and it will get better :D


  20. It's hard being in "the hole" because it sucks energy out of you. I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist - such a great step to take! Keep it up. The journey to success starts with taking the first step. BTW, there is hope: after two years, I just got a job!

  21. Drake-I know, I know. But I meant more like the months passing her by, not the screaming out for Edward part!

    Becca-Thanks <3

    Ot-Your blog always makes me smile!

    Idaho-Replace "beer" with "margarita" and I'm in :)

    Jax-How do you have so much insight for your age? It's crazy! I'm just starting to be self-aware at 30...

    Soapbox-Grats on the job! Glad to hear some good news this week :)

  22. Hed hun things will get better just keep searching! There is something out there for you and your expertise. :) We love you

  23. hey mama! Here, check out and it'll hook you up with all the codes you where asking for *hugs*

  24. I skipped my step-sister's wedding and both my grandparents funerals because of my nasty little head. I have no doubt they thinking horrible things about me because they don't know anything about my issues and I have no desire to tell them. So, I have resigned myself to the fact that most people will think I am selfish and stupid. For me, it's better than the alternative. I need my privacy more than I need their acceptance.

  25. Morgan-Thanks <3


    Deus-Welcome! Yeah, if you read my blog you'll see that I'm super concerned with what others think-which I know is stupid as hell. I'm working on it!

  26. <3

    I think you did the right thing leaving that job, and while I don't claim to have anything like the problems you do I know what it feels like to wake up and ask "why?"

    My secret is I don't bother waiting for an answer. I couldn't tell you why I get up in the morning and continue to live my life. I just do it, partly because I hope I'll find the answer (although as time continues to pass and I'm still single that is fading) and partly because no matter how bad it gets, I refuse to believe the alternative is a viable option. I don't think I have magical mental powers or anything, I just tell myself no and refuse to consider anything other than dragging my arse out of bed.

    Don't know if it'll work for you but thought I'd mention it anyway :)

  27. hey boo bear,

    in the same position, having a rough couple of days myself and haven't been around.

    i like what lance said and what rafa said, even though i am certainly not one to give advice at the moment. but i do love you very much :)


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