I haven’t gotten out of bed since Tuesday.
Even though I know the job catastrophe was entirely not my fault, I think it may have ripped me to shreds. There was hope in that job.
Hope that I would eventually have money saved to figure out what to do about my life, and more importantly, my marriage. No money means I don’t see my husband anytime soon.
Hope that I would be back in the workforce, and with every passing day gain some semblance of self-confidence in interacting with strangers and employers that my social anxieties would start to lessen.
Hope that with a routine I would break out of this depressive rut I have been in for OVER EIGHTEEN MONTHS NOW and actually have energy and to eventually be like a grown-up again.
I forced myself to go to my therapy appointment Wednesday, only because I would have gotten double-charged if I didn’t go. Even the calming influence of Dr. Nadia did nothing to boost my mood. When I got home I caught up on reading my 75+ blogs, and it took me over three hours. I decided to stop following over half. I just don’t have the energy anymore, and for those of you who follow me only because I followed you (which, I’m sorry, is a horrible guideline), I guess I’ll see you later.
The only post I could muster was of hot celebs this week. That’s it.
Even Thursday’s try at writing was a bust.
I hate when I get like this. I ask myself, “what can I do today?” and my stupid evil brain says “go back to bed!” and I listen. No one in my family understands. They all think I am just a selfish jerk. Today is my cousin’s 25th birthday party and I couldn’t go. I don’t want to be around happiness. I don’t want to be hugged. I don’t want anyone to ask how I’m doing. I just want to be left alone.
As cheesy as it is that I am comparing my life to the “Twilight” saga, I feel like my life is passing me by every day and I just don’t have the energy to “cherish every day”, “live life to the fullest” and all the other motivational things people say to try and cheer you up.
I write these things and share them with my family in the hopes that maybe one day I will get through to them. Maybe one day they can see that I hurt all the time, and I don’t want them to see how bad it is-and that’s why I don’t involve myself. My mom sees it every day, but my stepdad just doesn’t get it. He thinks I am a fat, lazy slob who is “a 30-year-old teenager”. The thing is, I once was a grown-up. I didn’t rely on anyone but myself. I did things, I talked to people, I felt love and had it reciprocated to me.
Now? I feel absolutely nothing but hurt, pain, fear, sadness and despair-and it scares the hell out of me that I will never come back from this.