Holy crap I need braces. Again. For the third time. Serious.
It’s 100% my fault. For anyone reading this with braces:
WEAR YOUR DAMN RETAINER!!!
I got my braces off in November 2008 after wearing them for a year, and two weeks before my wedding. I was so happy to be able to get them off before then, the only penalty being this one stupid stubborn tooth that wasn’t fully corrected. I’m not a snaggletooth or anything, but if I rub my finger on it I can feel it jut out, and it bugs the hell out of me.
I wore my retainer and had a built-in one for my bottom row of teeth. Then I lost it. Completely. Couldn’t find it anywhere. Of course because I didn’t go to the dentist right away because I had just finished spending almost four grand on my teeth and I didn’t want to add another $300 to that, and also I was just sick of all the foreign objects in my mouth (that’s what she said). So I slacked.
Eventually my bottom retainer popped off and I didn’t go in to get that one replaced either. I thought my evil tooth would stay put as long as, before bed, I just pushed on it for a few minutes. Because I have magical dentist fingers? I finally decided I needed to go back to my orthodontist for a new retainer. I explained to hubs that my teeth are worth at least ten grand now, and it would be a slap in the pockets of my mom and myself if I let my teeth fall by the wayside.
You see, when I was a baby I had a calcium deficiency and all of my teeth had to be pulled out. When they came back in they were all capped. I had a grill before it was even a fad.
Nelly, you’re welcome.
When my adult teeth came in they were all buck and funky. It came down to I needed braces. My dad offered to pay for half of them, so mom and I went to some backwoods orthodontist in ghetto ass San Bernardino where they installed my new metal mouth-and then some. I got headgear, folks.
About three months in my dad stopped paying (what a surprise!) and my mom couldn’t afford them. My mom’s friend stepped in to help pay, and I was sent to Dr. Wise (the best dentist on the freaking planet!!!), and they said my metal job was SO BAD from the other place they had to re-do them. With no headgear needed. Yay! Cue the two year montage of me being flat-chested, curly haired and awkward and me stepping into my high school body-and teeth-fresh and ready to work it!
“Lisa needs braces!” “DENTAL PLAN!” (Simpsons inside joke, folks)
But a cute teenage girl has no room in her life for a retainer. So it was thrown by the wayside. Until 2007, when my regular doctor tells me, “you need braces!”. I was floored. But sure enough, a return trip to Dr. Wise (the best dentist on the freaking planet! Serious!!) had me signing my life and dental insurance away on another year full of metal.
I slacked. And now I have to pay (AND PAY-I have no dental insurance now to help cover the cost). Luckily, Dr. Wise (see above for said awesomeness) says I only need a row of brackets on my top teeth for six months to help straighten out Mr. Evil Tooth. So no full rack of braces this time. THIS TIME…..
I tried to find a picture of me with my pretty straight teeth so I could PROVE TO YOU ALL that I’m not a monster after years of work on my ‘mouf, but this was all I got. I never said I was well adjusted, people…