Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hed vs. Australia-Argument one.

First of all, I was chosen as Copyboy's new blog of the day! Sweet! If you haven’t been, check out his site and sign up for his nifty promotional website Bloggerdise-where you can team up with craftspeople, artists, and the like to set up some kick ass giveaways and specials.

I should probably let you all know that my husband and I are in talks. Talks about us. Talks about me to come back to Australia-eventually. As most of the world knows, America is going to hell in a handbasket and the economy sucks ass, whereas Australia is thriving. J is almost done with school, which means he will be scouting around for IT jobs in the big cities soon. Plus I miss the shit out of him. It’s been almost four months since I have done seen him. Hell, seeing any man shirtless at the moment makes me break into a cold sweat. I NEED HIM!!!

Jared Leto…hipbones…nooo…stay away!!! Can’t…breathe!!!

Anyway, J likes to use logic more than I do (can’t…stop looking…at Jared Leto as I type…!). He knows that in the long run Australia is overall a better bet for us to settle down and restart our lives together. I told him this time we needed our own place before I come back. Not because my in-laws are monsters-on the contrary, they are saints and the best human beings on the planet-it’s because of all of my issues. I can’t live around essentially strangers who don’t understand me-J has a hard enough time as it is. Plus my food woes increase about a thousand fold Down Under. I just need my own space in order to assimilate in a proper way.

Here’s the first issue I am trying to overcome: If you will remember yesterday’s post, there are a hell of a lot of animals in Australia that I can’t come to terms with. This is a HUGE argument between my husband and I.

Me: Doesn’t it bother you? I mean, you guys just leave the doors open all willy-nilly and ANYTHING can just walk in. For God’s sake Jasper [the dog] almost died from a snake bite in the yard! That could be ME!!!

J: It’s not that bad. Geckos in the house are good! They kill the mossies [mosquitoes] in the house and other bugs. They are helpful and inside dwellings is their habitat.


J: No, not at all. What is weird is YOU GUYS. You seal up your houses like they are sterile, and freak out and kill EVERY living creature you come across in the house!

Me: THAT’S BECAUSE THIS IS MY  HOUSE! Those bitches are coming into my home turf, and they deserve to die! They are like home intruders coming to rob yo shit! Babe, you really think WE’RE the weird ones? Really?!?!

J: Uh…yeah! I mean it’s a freaking bug! Who cares!


I CARE!!! But it’s just an example of cultural differences. It would be like if I was raised to worship Satan and he worshiped Jesus. You wouldn’t be able to sway me because it would be all I knew. Does that make sense?

As for the animals…I know America has scary spiders and snakes of death. I know they dwell in houses (like black widows can). But my point of view from living in a populated state where there is virtually no landscape left, these animals are RARE and in the wild. All of Australia is wild (in my opinion, except the larger cities-and even J tells me geckos hang out there too-DAMN IT!), and the land is fully integrated into the cities. When I say J lives in the bush, I really mean J lives in the damn bush (sounds dirty).

Let’s compare, if you will. First, let us talk about spiders (shield your eyes if you are afraid, folks). When was the last time you saw a tarantula casually walking around your house? That is the only way I can explain the size of a Huntsman spider, a harmless but GIANT spider. I stole the first picture from Mynx's post about finding a dead Huntsman….on her COUCH. Her living space!!! Imagine if you walked in the house and LAY DOWN on the couch without looking!!! *shudders in fear*

Here’s another picture to try and give you the actual size…

See, J may be able to go “hey, a Huntsman. I will grab it and take it outside and release it into the wild”, but if I saw one of these I think I would tend to react more along the lines of this:

Next, we have snakes. Yes, I know we have snakes in California-even the dreaded Rattlesnake is here. But I live in tract housing, folks. Pretty sure the only wild snake I would see walking down the street is a ball python that got loose from its tank in some creepy dude’s house. Let’s say I walk in the house after J left the front door wide open and some DEATH ADDER is slithering on the damn tile. Then what? Oh yeah, DEATH!

“Hey! Let me in! I got PIZZA, BITCH!”

I’d like to take this moment and share with you a lovely picture of  The Strand, a strip of ocean I would be living closest to (you can open your eyes now, no scary animals! Promise!)

Isn’t it just gorgeous? Here’s the thing: See that white square in the center extending from the sand to the sea? That’s a stinger net. That is essentially the ONLY safe place to swim or even step foot in if you choose to get in the water, due to the box jellyfish. Even then there has been known to still be stings because parts of the jellyfish sever off and get through the netting and still have the ability to sting you-causing intense, searing pain and sometimes death. Also on The Strand are cute little mailboxes every quarter mile (kilometer?) that contain jugs of vinegar. Have fun at the beach, kids!

Lastly we have the animal that most people think of when they think of Australia: The dreaded KOALA or what the locals call “Drop Bears”.

No, I kid. I mean the crocodile. Crikey! (Seriously I think Mynx and my husband are going to kill me for this post) I love fishing. When I first visited my future home I was taken fishing on this secluded strip of land on the Anabranch River. You had to drive off-road to get there, and its undisturbed. The entire time I was there I was thinking a crocodile is going to shoot out of the water and eat my leg! Does this look romantic? This is me and J on the river. Aww. I hope I don’t die…

So you can’t swim in the ocean due to jellyfish. Okay, I’ll swim in the lakes! No can do, my friend. Crocodiles are EVERYWHERE!

Are you freaking serious?

I took this video myself during the same trip as above, and I’m even scared of the ones they have enclosed…IMAGINE if I came across one that WASN’T in a cage! (Yes that’s me talking)

”What if he MOVES???”

So yes, this is one thing I have an issue with when moving to Australia again. J may laugh and scoff, but I’m serious when I say these things frighten me! I would love for my American and  Australian friends to weigh in on this issue!

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  1. meh heh heh heh heh! (that's me crying)

    go for the big city! jaysus.

  2. I nearly shat myself with the spider pictures.

    JAYSUS. That would be hard to deal with.

    But maybe a drastic change would be good, and being with hubs would be awesome. (Plus sex helps with stress!)

    Just insist on a screen door.



  3. oh dear..that is tough...

    but you can do it! you will survive...

    if it were that dangerous don't you think that there would be noone living in OZ?

    i know you will be fine. you are tougher than you know!

    pep talk!

  4. Like I said last time, too many animals there that make me piss myself, so yea I ain't moving there anytime soon. Or ever.

  5. Australia will be better off than the US economically. We're screwed here. Animals for the most part don't even like being around humans, so I think as long as you don't bother them, they'll stay away. I'm with you on snakes, I know they serve a purpose, but here in AZ that purpose is for me to practice my ninja skills with a machete. Spiders are totally metal and crocs can be made into boots, belts and handbags. I say go for it Aussies are good people. After a while you'll probably be a badass outdoor momma!

  6. Ooh, you crack me up!!
    Firstly - I'll say how glad I am to hear you are considering coming back to Australia.
    Secondly - I think I've said this before, when it comes to the food here it is totally different worlds for tasty stuff being available between where you were staying in the boonies in Qld, to the big cities like Brisvegas, to the BIG cities like Sydney (my home town & a foodies heaven!!)
    Thirdly - the wildlife....I can't really talk as I am known to squeal like a little girl when a spidey comes too close to me but I think geckos are the cutest things ever. I grew up in the country so I guess I am used to them in a way but I do have a rather large huntsman that keeps re-appearing above my front door (on the inside!) so I've made a deal between me, the bugs & the universe - as long as they stay about 6 feet (or more) away from me then we'll stay friends and I won't drown them in bug spray (I can't get close enough to catch or squish them). That seems to be working as I think they are more scared of me. Oh, and jellyfish are mostly seasonal.
    Lastly - come back to Australia & you can buy stuff like this

  7. Oh you are in sooooo much trouble young lady hehe.
    If you are going to pinch a spider pic, at least make it a poisoness one like a red back. There is only one thing for it. Tell J you are moving to South Australia, to the city. No crocs or stingers or funnelweb spiders. Red backs curl up and die at the sight of a can of fly spray.
    Snakes are wussy and slide away quickly and Geckos are good to have around and considered lucky.
    Seriously. It is all about perception. And more people die in a car accident every day than are killed by aussie animals in a year.
    At least we dont have bears or rabies or rattlesnakes
    Love you and I know you will work it out


    Man, I am never going to Australia. In fact I’m off to seal every inch of this room with masking tape.

  9. Well, your hubby is there and it sounds like he plans on staying there, sooooo....Love wins the day! Go! Be Brave! Never let fear stop you from doing anything.
    (I sure won't be moving there anytime soon...Yikes!)

  10. congrats on the blog award and glad you are the one to decide and not me. to difficult but i'm sure you will do fine

  11. I live in Atlanta, Georgia and I'm freaked out about The Bronx Zoo Cobra being on the loose. His twitter account even gives me the creeps.

    I guess it depends on how your "talks" go. Your family is the most important thing after your health. I love America but if I had to pick some other place in the world to live I'd go with Australia. Can I come visit to surf?

    Best wishes on your decisions.

  12. Hahaha, you had me laughing out loud with the horse out the window pic!

    Err, sorry to say, but we have redback's in our front yard occasionally, and I've seen a brown snake in another part of town. And, err. this is in South East Melbourne! Having said that, wouldn't change living in Australia for the entire world. Its great, really. Except the spiders xx

  13. I guess if you grow up with it, it's not so bad? I grew up playing with bugs and lizards, being a boy and all, and that stuff wouldn't bother me at all.

    And congrats on the blog award. It's much deserved, your posts are always amazing.

  14. OMFG! I couldn't look at anything past that freaky ass spider. I hate spiders. I really hate that spider. I would have a full blown heart attack if I saw that in my house. I need a sedative after reading this post. Good Luck with Australia though. I hear it's beautiful. ;)

  15. Yeah this time I am sure it will be different.

  16. Holy crap. Ok, I'm totally on your side in this argument.

  17. HELL TO THE NAW!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I just shit myself just looking at the pics!!!!!

  18. Hed, hilarious post. Seriously, people live and thrive in Australia. You'll have colorful parrots hanging out instead of pigeons.
    Compromise on one of the major cities. Geckos are awesome, they mind their own business and cling to walls.

  19. Oh my God, I am DYING right now because me and My Aussie have these same conversations (except he keeps the door closed usually and we aren't SO in the bush. I am guessing you are way north as compared to us.)

    Couple nights ago....

    Me: Standing on a chair, screaming, pointing to the very LARGE spider crawling across the keyboard of my computer THAT I HAD BEEN TYPING ON.

    Him: Laughing as he asked, what are you going to do when you see a big one, babe?

    Me: Unable to sleep for fear of spiders until he kindly sedated my ass. Not even kidding.

  20. Oh. P.S. Me on twitter? @brooke_farmer. I think we have much to discuss and relate to one another about.

  21. LOL- i laughed OUT LOUD at that horse picture. and i would be saying fuck this shit too to everything you pointed out. (maybe crocadiles are the least scary to me, but i still wouldn't want to have lunch with it.) just seeing the picture of that spider makes me want to take an acid bath.

    oh, and then i lolled at that koala picture too.

  22. Great post ! Still giggling away ! I have lived in Australia for 41 years and spent one year living over there in the USA. I am alive and well - never met a crocodile or been bitten by a deadly venemous spider or snake - will admit I have seen a few though! My pals in the states I was staying with thought it absolutely hilarious when I came across an apparent "harmless" snake in the woods and ran screaming and yelling for at least 100km's screaming "quick run it wil kill you" - I guess thats what happens when you come from the land of deadly creatures .. Hed you will be fine it's ok to be aware but if we all spent our days worrying about something that is pretty unlikely to happen we wouldn't be such a laid back bunch of people - xx

  23. Kage-Some random relative I don't know needs to send me some inheritance first!

    Stephanie-THEY STILL GET IN! ACK! It's like they are the cop from Terminator 2, they just meld through the damn doors!

    Bruce-Thanks! I know, people live and thrive every day there. But it's just SO DIFFERENT!

    OT-At least someone can understand my fears!

    Rafa-Shiiiiiit. Maybe I'll be the next Crocodile Hunter!

    Kinoo-The link doesn't work because I think I'm not a member. Noo! I really want to compromise and move to a large city (Bris and Melb are the top contenders because J says "Sydney's a hole"-I think that may be general ribbing because he's a Queenslander)!

    Drakey poo-Okay, no spider pictures! :)

    Mama-I really wish my heart could be the driving force, but we've gone that route before and it didn't go as planned. Now we have to use our brains to make sure love does win out in the end :)

    becca-Thanks :)

    Lance-Heck yes! You would be an awesome visitor I just know it! But we may get deported lol!

    Erica-Seriously if J said "hey I got us a flat in Melb CBD" I probably wouldn't even be posting my fears. But I know...there's scaries EVERYWHERE!!!

    Idaho-Maybe I should get gender reassignment so I can have the balls to live there. Get it? :P And thanks <3

    Princess-That's how I am with cockroaches. They mess my life up. You know those Madagascar ones that fit in the palm of your hand? Yeah, it would be like that walking around your kitchen floor.

    Shaun-I'll deal with you privately. Stop being a butthole!!!


    Falen-As crazy as this sounds, put me in a room with a croc, a spider, a snake and jellyfish over a room with a cockroach! I am THAT SCARED!

    Antares-Lorakeets are so weird to see just flying around. Trust me, the city I can handle (I think?)-it's just semantics and money at this point....

    Brooke-Yes, it's WAY too normal for them. Serious. And yeah, hubs and I were in Far North Queensland, near Townsville. Aussie bf should know where that is!

    And Twitter! I found you but I am a grandma when it comes to Twitter...I'm Hed_M, send me a message and I'll try to send one back!

    TILTE-Best.Picture.Ever! I literally cackled when I saw it.

  24. Anon-Ack! Missed your comment!

    You know the hubs was CONVINCED that everyone in the States carried a gun. Maybe it's like that with me, because you always hear about "the deadliest this" or "this will kill you!" in the paper about Australia. Plus the fam (where they live) actually SEES this shit! Maybe they don't die from it, but it's lurking! *shudders* :)

  25. You know you aren't really in trouble with me... :)

  26. Hmmm, I think that if millions of people can live in Australia, you can, too. Glad to hear you & hubby are at least discussing the possibility of you moving there. :-)

  27. I'm okay with the water beasts, one less thing for me to do, but I'll be okay. But the spider thing and snake thing is just creepy.


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