Thursday, February 17, 2011

It’s over.

(I know I just wrote a post about Barb and her awesomeness, but I didn’t think it was fair to write about her in this same post, because this post is pretty damn emo.)

I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday or today. I wanted to. Wednesday is homework day. I haven’t done any homework or looked for a job in two weeks now. Not since J said he wouldn’t be coming back to America.

The plan. The plan I thought we had was…I couldn’t live in Australia. I thought I could. I thought I was strong enough to adapt and be this cool international traveler but that’s just not me. I fear change. How could I have been so stupid? I sold everything I had. I left my friends, family and Mexican food. It would all be fine once we get to Australia. And it was anything but.

I am bipolar. Unless you have literally lived with someone who has mental illness, you don’t know how bad it gets. I thought I could hide it from J’s family. I thought I could forget about the past year and just bounce back. New country, new life, new start. But sadly, you can’t escape your brain.

I came back to the States and thought I could forget about the past year and bounce back. Old country, old life, new start. J is in school, and when he gets done he’ll just move here again, and we’ll start over. Sure, we don’t have a car, furniture, money, or jobs. Sure we’ll have to live with my parents. But we’ll be okay! I won’t fall apart like last time!

J had a return ticket set for May 28. This whole time he was excited and gung ho about coming back. I was excited. I won’t fall apart like last time! Then he dropped a bomb-I won’t be ready by May, Hed. I’m sorry. It sounds simple, but it’s not. J and I spent a lot of money and man-hours getting him a visa and a green card. Since he was my fiancé, he was granted a two-year conditional green card that expires in October of this year. He needs to be in the country and file 90 days prior for his ten year card. There are no extensions or exceptions. Also, immigration considers you to have abandoned your green card if you are out of the country for longer than a year unless you file a re-entry permit-the condition being you are in the States to file it.

I took it upon myself to call Qantas and extend his ticket to August 7. That’s roughly two more months, and we will still be doing the legal thing and making sure he hasn’t been out for longer than a year and all that. Great idea, baby!, he tells me. All is right with the world again. I continue school and buy a Wii.

Finally last week. He tells me he really doesn’t think he will be coming back. At all. Not even to visit in August because that will require a return ticket with money that we should be saving. Great. Thanks, J. Thanks for telling me this now. If, when I told him I wanted to go home last November he told me my home is here, then maybe I wouldn’t have left (who am I kidding I hated it and I missed my family). But now I am here and he is there.

Now I have to consider going back to Australia, which feels like a death wish (not really, but I don’t have another word for how I am feeling…dread?). I told J I wouldn’t move back unless this time we have our own place, but even that makes me feel terrible. His parents opened his home to us, rent-free, and now I sound like an American diva demanding he spend money on everything? The only reason I want an apartment is because there is no way I can face his parents again, and that’s the truth. The day I left J’s mum hugged me and with tears in her eyes said, “we’re not terrible people”. The whole time she thought I hated them? Again, you cannot understand bipolar unless you have lived with it-and I stayed so isolated from them because I was in so much despair that they never even had a chance to understand.

And what about leaving my family again? And the major issues I had with food? I know it may sound so stupid and trite in the big picture, but I have MAJOR ISSUES with food. When I lived in Australia I practically existed on white rice, beans, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and mac n’ cheese. Everything else was awful. Food is my only comfort. I don’t drink/smoke/do drugs. I eat. And the MAJOR ISSUES with food I had over there will never go away.

So here I am.

I haven’t talked to J in almost 24 hours now. I’m angry. I’m more angry at myself than I am at him because I did this. I fell apart. I lost the job and the house. But, if in December 2007 when we were first talking he told me “I like you and I think things would be amazing with us, but I will never leave Australia. I’m sorry”, then that would have been that. I would have kept working and living where I was, and I would have found someone else one day. So yeah, I’m angry. I’m suicidal, to be honest. I have nothing. Everything is gone because I thought Australia would be great and wonderful and happily ever after. But I am not happily ever after. I never will be.

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  1. i'm sorry, hed :(

    i know i can't say anything to make it better, but please hang in there. with me. cuz i need you right now too.

  2. Man, that's really rough. I don't have much advice I can give. This I can tell you though you do have something to live for. You may not know what is it right now but trust me it's out there. Just keep that in mind. I'm not really sure there is such a things as happily ever after anyhow... for anyone. Those are for fairy tales. There is only happy for now and them tomorrow you try to make it happen again.

  3. I think you have every goddamned right to be angry. I would be angry too.

    There is ABSOFUCKINLUTELY nothing wrong with asking and getting what you want from life. Go seize that mo'fo' called Life by its ears and Carpe Diem the hell out of it.

    I'm rooting for you. I want to see you come out on the other side of this.

  4. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, and I wish there was something I could do to help.

    All I can say for the moment is I hope you find it within yourself to cheer up, put your next foot forward and decide what to do about this.

    Maybe you'd enjoy one of the big cities - Brisbane is nothing like Townsville, much less way out west where you were - but then money becomes the issue. It's a tough place to be in, and I'm sorry to hear that's where you are.

  5. Hed, my friend, I am not bipolar but I have felt the pains of depression more than a lot of my friends or family will ever know and I truly thought at one time it was over for me. I was so wrong. I reached out and God touched my life and brought me out of it. "You" cannot fix this problem you have, your "husband" can't fix this problem. It is over your heads at this point in time and you need to trust that God loves you, I love you as a friend and a child of God. Open a bible or go on line and read Psalm 18 & see if it doesn't talk to you. Think about the song, "What a friend we have in Jesus" and the words "O what needless pain we bear all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer". I just want to help, OK?

  6. Lovely girl, hang in there. You are in my thoughts and I just want you to remember that a lot of people really love and care for you. Things look dark now but it will work out. Keep blogging if you need to. Don't be afraid to put it all down, the good the bad the awful. Better out than in.
    Sending you big hugs and positive thoughts
    Love you sweetie

  7. I know what it's like to hit rock bottom, they view from down there is not good. But once you are there, the only way forward is to look up. It's one hell of a climb but you will get there. I am a great believer in that things happen for a reason and that really, fate is in control. Sometimes you just have to roll along with it and you will be surprised how it all turns out. Hang in there :)

  8. My Sweet "Daughter"...I don't think J had any idea back then that. When you're in love you figure you can do anything and adapt to anything. Personally (and this is your EC mother speaking) you have got to get lots of help and the right meds and learn how to deal with you before you can ever be happy with anyone else for the long haul. You have got to focus on yourself. Fix yourself and yes it can be done but you have to stick with it. I want you to email me and perhaps we can skype or phone. You are a wonderful young lady with soooo much to give. But first you need to get! Love and hugs daughter!!

  9. Hed-
    I wish that I had a magic wand that could help to make it better....but I don't. I hae been at the point where all I wanted to do was crawl linto a hole and wait until I took my last breath...I didn't think I had anything in the world to offer anyone and that I was not worth it anymore. Dear girl- you are so worth it. There are people out here who care about you and who will help. Asking is the hardest part. I want you to know that I am grateful that I met you and am here to listen.....please know that there are people who care about you and will sit in that dark hole with you till you are ready to come out and face the world again. hugs and lots and lots of love to you darling.

  10. I really don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry. I wish I could make it better for you, but sadly I lack experience in this department and have no good advice.

  11. Yeah that's super tough mama! I think we both need a hug today!! *tight-hugs*

  12. i can say nothing that has not been said by the wise commenters before me.

    all i know is life is worth living no matter how bad it gets.

    and you are worth it.

    hugs and prayers and strength.

  13. I am sorry Hed, keep your chin up. Things happen for a reason (sometimes good and sometimes bad) but you never know why until the things happen.

  14. Big hugs your way sweetpea - I know what it feels like when you feel as if the world is down around your ankles and you don't have the energy or the inclination to pick it up again... xxx

  15. I have mental illness also. I would not be able to live with anyone other than my family.

    If you don't go back, I know you will get back on your feet again. Right now you are grieving, which is natural. Ask God for strength and guidence - he will come through. You will be alright; you will get a job, and you will make it.

  16. Oh hon, I wish I could come over and give you a big hug right now! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is absolutely okay to feel gutted about it. But, as this chapter ends, a new one will begin. The pages of your future are blank, waiting to be filled! Many of us have been in "the hole". After you've had a good cry (and maybe a glass of wine and/or a day or two to wallow), do whatever you need to do, talk to whomever you need to talk to to start climbing back out. When you take a peek out of the hole, yes, things will be a little different, but that's nothing to be frightened of. Life is ever-changing, whether we want it to or not.

    We're here for you!!

  17. Oh Miss Hed...(I really like that name) You keep doing what you do here and try to find something to smile about between the tears. Email me anytime; I'm here for ya lady.


  18. Thank you everyone.

    That's all I got right now...but I really do care and feel warmed by everyone's concern and love.

  19. Hed
    I'm not bipolar but I know a lot about living with invisible neurological problems. I'm sure that your almost future m-i-l's statement hurts more than you're letting on just because it was meant nicely
    I don't mean to denigrate anybodies comments but the blank pages--they're not easy to fill when you want life to go one way and it's going another way.
    I'm so sorry and wish there was something more positive I could say--but keep blogging. There's something magical about letting things out on a blog. Maybe it's the act of writing and the supportive comments, I don't know

  20. what oilfield trash said.. it all happens for a reason so hang in there. And on a side note I just had to say you are awesome for liking vanilla sky. you have no idea how many awekward stares i get when i tell them what a cool movie it is, tom cruise and all. haha.

  21. I'm sorry to read this blog post, really hope youre ok x

  22. Hed Honey I was so so sorry to read this.We became bloggy friends as we both wrote about our experiences as expats in Oz, and sadly it seems our experiences have been very different. I cannot help but wonder if Spyder has a point, maybe living in a larger city could be an option, as Australia's cities are so, so different from it's country towns? I really hope you two can sort things out and find a solution that both of you will be happy with. Time will help- as will blogging what you feel. I'm probably not the best person to give marriage advice, but I am thinking of you. Xo

  23. That is incredibly shitty. I am sorry.

    If it helps, I was in an incredibly horrible situation throughout my 20s. I thought it would never get better, but it does. Things do not stay terrible.

    Please don't be suicidal.

  24. Hed I know what bipolar is and I know from observation what it can do. Are you taking any medication? Because it really does help.

    I know you feel like you wasted and did things you shouldn't have done but you love J and you want the best for your marriage. Sometimes the best is letting people like J's parents in and letting them know about your problems.

    Also about the food, I can't relate, but there has got to be a way to find stuff you like down there, if you go back. I don't have the words to help, but I tried.

    I hope things get better honey! <3

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

  25. I miss taco trucks. I miss L.A.. I think I am better here than you were but I haven't been here too terribly long and I do get a lot of space for my thoughts.


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