Thursday, January 27, 2011

This one’s about poop.

So my husband has a word he likes to use when I say things that apparently I shouldn’t be talking about in front of him.

“Babe? Mystique!

J expects me to be a lady at all times. That’s all well and good but…come on now. We’re married. I plan on spending 95% of my time around this man, and what the hell am I supposed to do? Wake up two hours early every morning, put on a full face of make-up and do my hair so he doesn’t see my zits as his glorious eyes awake to see the morning? I’m supposed to close the door when I pee? I thought that’s why you get married in the first place!

While we’re apart, J and I talk on webcam every day. This means he usually sees me in PJ’s with my hair in a ponytail and no make-up, since I’m chillin’ at home. Well yesterday we were talking when my stomach made an angry growl. “Babe, I don’t feel well all of a sudden”, I tell him. About an hour later I tell him I think I have to end our conversation because I have the big “D”. He gets all huffy and says “really, Hed? You needed to tell me that?

Since I was an infant I’ve had stomach problems. I remember being five and in the ER where I had to poo in a cup. Something about my intestines not being up to par as they should be. Anyway, my stomach and I are not friends. I’ve had stomach problems for so long it’s just kind of a regular occurrence. You would think my husband would have caught that by now, but nooooooo.

I can totally see where bodily functions would be really embarrassing on a first date, or maybe your first night alone with a guy. I remember being on vacation with my best friend Al in Mammoth back in the day where we were kind of double-dating and I was so sick I had to make her stop the car like three times. Great first impression, Hed. But other than that, it’s no big deal. I’ve been taught that it’s no big deal.

My mom has actually said “you know it’s love when a man feels comfortable to fart in front of you”, and I kind of believe that! I once had a boyfriend that lived next door to his parents. When he had to go and I was around, he would leave his house and go at his parents! Who does that? Even after I told him that it doesn’t bother me, if he ever had to even pass gas he would run outside. Um, okay.

So yesterday I was annoyed that my hubs was obviously perturbed that I told him I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve watched him puke. He’s my husband. It’s not like I brought the damn webcam in the bathroom with me! I think he wants to believe I poop rainbows.

Do you believe in mystique? Of course I want my hubs to always see me as that sexy bitch that can rip his clothes off with my teeth, but there’s a limit, right? I can’t be perfect (yeah right) and perky all the time! Next time I get sick, I think I’m going to tell him “I feel a rainbow coming on, baby!”

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  1. It's only rainbows in fairy tales. Once you live with someone you get the good, the bad and the ugly. It's just life. At least he thinks you're perfect though!!

  2. the joys of marriage my husband is just the oppsite nothing is off limits he'll talk anything and everything, plus i love the comment your mom made about knowing it's love when a guy will fart in front of you. well i have a whole house of men who adore me.

  3. I'm stealing that unicorn graphic. Fucking hilarious!!

  4. Holy crap! My BF hasn't farted around me yet! *plots to put more beans on his plate for dinner*

  5. When you get older, it will relax. Trust me on that. My ex used to tell stuff like that all the time and when she aged she realized that it was a waste of energy and time.

  6. you and i are in the same boat with the stomach issues. and my ex husband was the same as yours with not wanting to know anything unless it was rainbows and puppies and football.

    luckily, my current boyfriend is totally relaxed and understanding about that kind of stuff- nothing makes him cringe.

  7. LMAO, Hed, let me tell ya a story. When hubby was first meeting the parents, he fluffed at the dinner table! Now I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and I never shut the door, just to piss him it's part of life, he'll get over it, or he won't either way he loves you to bits!


  8. I do poop if that makes you feel better :P

  9. I have a TON of stomach problems, too. For quite a few years now. Boyfriend got used to me talking about it quickly. Like a month after we started dating. At first, I think it weirded him out, but now he doesn't say anything about it.

  10. it genetic. I have had the same kind of gut issues since i was about 16. And son Tor inherited it. If we eat french fries we do it at home--grease greases everything. 'nuff said, lOl. I do love the idea of pooping rainbows though. Sadly, the mystique in my life left when the hubs was critically injured in that accident with brain trauma. Luckily, he doesn't remember me having to "help" him and he's fine now. But boy, did that ever level the ole playing field! That's what love is, helping your partner when they need it, not getting all huffy when you have a gut ache.

  11. Sometimes it is worse to hear about it than actually live with it, I think. Hope that makes sense. lol

  12. You know it's true love when you are sick and on the toilet with the big D while vomiting into a bucket.... been there... done that & I am SURE it wasn't pretty! I told hubby he must REALLY love me to be audience to that AND take care of me after!!! I am sure I looked fabulous!!!!

  13. you mean you don't poop rainbows?! but you're so cute!

    i am so disillusioned right now ;)

  14. I really don't mind it when my boyfriend says something along the lines of that. I mean it's just how our body works and he can't change that.

    Through sickness and through health. Marriage is still the same.

    Peeing with the door open and pooping with the door open is different and I MUST say that!

  15. Poop? What's that? I'm pretty sure I don't do it. I'll have to investigate this (surely imaginary) bodily function before commenting further. IS a funny word. I kinda hope it's real.

  16. Barb-Yeah, he does...for why I have no freaking clue!

    Becca-LOL! Yeah my family must love me a lot too!

    Cynical-Isn't it? :)

    Falen-I'm telling you, he's HIDING SOMETHING!!!

    OT-when I read "when you get older it will relax", tell me why I keep thinking about bowels? LOL!

    You're lucky-To be completely honest, if it wasn't for your hilarious poop blogs this one would have never been created!

    CBG-How funny! Did your parents take it as a term of endearment too?

    gewuerzgurke-I'M NOT ALONE!!!

    JM-you're becoming more and more like my sister from another mother!

    Rox-I've seen every part of J, so it's not like I would ever be grossed out if I needed to help him either, you know?

    Mynx-Yeah, I think it may make the visualizations in your head get really vivid...gross!

    Mom-We're supposed to love our husbands like family, and how much more family can you get then helping someone pooping and puking in a bucket? LOL!

    Kage-sorry to burst your poop bubble-you don't even want to KNOW where my pot of gold is!

    Morgan-yes, pooping vs. peeing with the door open is a BIG difference! Even I'll agree with that!

    SF-Thank God you don't know about other maladies such as acne, menstruation, boils, and ear wax. Only "normal" people get those afflictions! :P

  17. Hahahaah! I fooled you Hed! I totally poop all the time! AND....I an even make one that is "S" shaped if I eat just right. And farts?? Puh-lease! Maybe mine don't usually smell, but I can put a tuba to shame if I concentrate. Own your shit, Hed. No pun intended.....or was it?? Heehee... Love ya!

    (thanks for makin' me smile with this post)

    Luv ya!

  18. Ugh, I'm being tested for my stomach problems at the moment. It's horrible.

    I'm in an odd situation with my BF at the moment. He's comfortable enough to fart in front of me, to the point where he thinks it's hilarious when I react to it. But I still don't do it in front of him. I just can't. Sometimes I consider revenge farting to annoy him, but my digestive system is very lady-like, and it refuses to.

  19. I've been married 14 years. In those 14 years I have never seen my wife poop or pee. The same goes for her seeing me do those things. We both agree it is best unseen! Talking about it is one thing... seeing is another!!

  20. I prefer being behind closed doors when I do either but my wife has this gas problem and will fart all the way to the bathroom. Just can't hold it.

  21. lol that was pretty funny, unicorn pic was hilarious! But seriously? poop is poop, deal with it and move on! lol

  22. Ooooh - is your husband in for a big surprise. Where's he going to be when you give birth [if you have kids]

    Being with Pooldad for 16 years I have had my share of health problems lately and he has seen it ALL. The hospital was a whole lot of fun because there are things I just want him to help with. He never flinches or stops loving me - he just laughs and says "I have seen worse [at his job] Skip."

    My hubs had the best line [months after we started dating, before marriage] - he said " You know it's love when you can go to the bathroom with the door open."

    Too true.

    Give him a couple of years. He'll come around.

  23. SF-You're a normie? Pshaw!

    Megan-Maybe you should give my hubs a call, he would appreciate a lady-like digestive system! :)

    The Rest. Mgr-YOU HAVE MYSTIQUE!!! :)

    Odie-Aww that reminds me of my grandma-when she would laugh she would toot at the same time. I say screw it, don't hold it in!

    Lyndylou-Right? Amen!

    Skippy-Yep...what happens when I need a labor coach? Or when I breastfeed? I like Pooldad's style :)

  24. I totally agree with you, but I still think it's funny that he uses the word "mystique" as code for "I'd prefer to believe you have no bowel function!"
    This was funny and cute, and no, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.

  25. "I feel a rainbow coming on"? Bahahahaha!
    That is totally going to be my new codeword for poop!

  26. I am going to use the word, "mystique" when I want Hubby to leave the room so I can do anything I want.

    Awesome advice!

    It was advice, right?

  27. Hilarious post. And I don't know if "mystique" is the right word, as much as "boundaries." The occasional fart, okay. But my fiance has this thing about putting a finger in my ear. She calls it affection, I call it creepy.

    The things we do for love. The things we do for love.

    Like walkin' in the rain and the snow when there's . . .

    Sorry, got all caught up in a song there.

    Have a nice day.

  28. Chief-Mystique, dad! MYSTIQUE!!!

    Sandra-I'm glad you got a kick out of this post :)


    Jules-Yes, it was totally advice!

    AATB (that's your new acronym)-So that's your thing, eh? :P

    Chris-I'm worse...when I see a random arm hair or chest hair on the hubs I have to rip it out, usually unexpectedly. I think your fiance and I are related to monkeys more than the rest of the population!

  29. Sounds like he needs some schooling in reality. This could be incredibly fun for you if you go about it the right way.

  30. Ha, ha! I know, my husband was like that, too. I finally said, babe, it's just gonna happen. I don't understand these men - who even had sisters! - don't get that we also experience natural bodily functions. It's just not practical to eat chili for dinner and then run to the bathroom every 15 minutes to fart. Found you from Studio 30 Plus!

  31. Chelle-That would actually be awesome if I was specialized in the black arts...what I mean is, if I had a really sneaky and underhanded way of scarring him for life HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Jennifer-hi! Yes, It's hilarious that they don't understand that even though we don't have a penis, we share everything else down there (well, mostly)...


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