So my husband has a word he likes to use when I say things that apparently I shouldn’t be talking about in front of him.
J expects me to be a lady at all times. That’s all well and good but…come on now. We’re married. I plan on spending 95% of my time around this man, and what the hell am I supposed to do? Wake up two hours early every morning, put on a full face of make-up and do my hair so he doesn’t see my zits as his glorious eyes awake to see the morning? I’m supposed to close the door when I pee? I thought that’s why you get married in the first place!
While we’re apart, J and I talk on webcam every day. This means he usually sees me in PJ’s with my hair in a ponytail and no make-up, since I’m chillin’ at home. Well yesterday we were talking when my stomach made an angry growl. “Babe, I don’t feel well all of a sudden”, I tell him. About an hour later I tell him I think I have to end our conversation because I have the big “D”. He gets all huffy and says “really, Hed? You needed to tell me that?”
Since I was an infant I’ve had stomach problems. I remember being five and in the ER where I had to poo in a cup. Something about my intestines not being up to par as they should be. Anyway, my stomach and I are not friends. I’ve had stomach problems for so long it’s just kind of a regular occurrence. You would think my husband would have caught that by now, but nooooooo.
I can totally see where bodily functions would be really embarrassing on a first date, or maybe your first night alone with a guy. I remember being on vacation with my best friend Al in Mammoth back in the day where we were kind of double-dating and I was so sick I had to make her stop the car like three times. Great first impression, Hed. But other than that, it’s no big deal. I’ve been taught that it’s no big deal.
My mom has actually said “you know it’s love when a man feels comfortable to fart in front of you”, and I kind of believe that! I once had a boyfriend that lived next door to his parents. When he had to go and I was around, he would leave his house and go at his parents! Who does that? Even after I told him that it doesn’t bother me, if he ever had to even pass gas he would run outside. Um, okay.
So yesterday I was annoyed that my hubs was obviously perturbed that I told him I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve watched him puke. He’s my husband. It’s not like I brought the damn webcam in the bathroom with me! I think he wants to believe I poop rainbows.
Do you believe in mystique? Of course I want my hubs to always see me as that sexy bitch that can rip his clothes off with my teeth, but there’s a limit, right? I can’t be perfect (yeah right) and perky all the time! Next time I get sick, I think I’m going to tell him “I feel a rainbow coming on, baby!”