Saturday, January 8, 2011

My best friend’s an asshole.

I was thinking about getting a job at a local strip club. The club sign advertises three spots that would be perfect for someone like me. I could do it…I mean, I get along well with people. Strippers make tips! Here’s the sign:

Ah, self-depreciating humor. Where would I be without it? Probably crying into a cheesecake somewhere.

The other day my best friend was passing through my city and invited me out to dinner. Where did he want to go? Olive Garden, of all places. He’s constantly on my ass about eating healthy and exercise, and he chooses the Olive Garden. “Just order soup!” he tells me. Riiiiiiight. Have you seen me? I’m overweight for a reason, stupid! I ended up ordering the shrimp alfredo with whole wheat pasta and it was…awful. I guess that ended up being a good thing because I took more than half of it to go.

So when we first sit down we chatter away about mindless BS. Then he drops the bomb I’ve been waiting to hear since we got there: “Let’s talk about YOU”. Ugh. My best friend makes Dr. Phil look like Jerry Springer. He’s totally into talking about your problems until you’re beaten over the head to death with them. He knows me well though, and he knows that unless my true feelings are poked and prodded out of me I’ll keep them underneath the surface until my head explodes and I have an episode where everything around me falls apart and I have to start over. Kind of like where I am now!

He asks me about my marriage. Something I don’t want to talk to him about, because I already know in advance what he is going to say about what is going on between me and J (FYI-no divorce or anything. We’re having some problems in regards to our future and where that future is supposed to take place. It’s hard and it’s going in circles, but I love my husband dearly and J is fiercely loyal so I know everything will work out…I hope…). Turns out he did a stealth move and intervened on my behalf by pulling a Dr. Phil on my husband without my knowledge! Hubs said pretty much the same thing I said, except from his point of view. Even though the BFF has these great ideas and solutions (and seriously cares more about his friends than himself), sometimes it’s hard to explain what YOU are feeling about things. So even though I love him and thank him for his nosiness concern, it’s something that has to be dealt with between me and the hubs.

He asks me about my state of mental health. He says, “the best thing you can do for yourself and J right now is to go back to your doctor and start treatment. And DON’T STOP even if you are feeling better!” I have a tendency to see a therapist a few times, feel better about myself and decide there’s no need to go back since I’m fine this time! Things will be different! Eventually things fall apart and I have to start over. It’s a vicious cycle that I’ve restarted so many times it’s kind of my thing. I tell him I’m poor, that I’m too busy looking for a job, trying to just eat better, trying to just focus on those things-when he chides me for making excuses.

I ask him, “don’t you read my blog?” He says, of course I do, but sometimes it’s hard to, Hed. There are times where your writing is like ‘everything is fine, look how great I am, blah blah blah’ and it’s just bullshit”. And he’s right. I am like that on my blog sometimes. You don’t think I’ve wanted to rip my heart out and show you all how much I’m hurting? You don’t think I want to talk about my marriage and how I don’t deserve my husband because I am a waste of space and will end up ruining his life? How I can’t sleep most nights because there is so much on my mind? That I often think of suicide and it brings me to tears? Of course I do. But I also know that reading a “woe is me” blog sucks ass, and if I really need to let things out, no matter how ashamed I am of feeling them, I will.

Then we get around to weight. You took me to OLIVE GARDEN and you want to talk about weight? I hate you so much right now. What am I doing for exercise? What about cutting out foods? And then he plays the fat card: “You know, you’ve gained weight, but you’re still pretty!” Where’s the dessert menu so I can bury my shame in a tiramisu?

By the way, BFF’s body isn’t buried in a shallow grave somewhere. After dinner we got frogurt and he dropped me off. I love him to death. He’s the haloed guy on my shoulder that tells me all the things I shouldn’t be doing. Sometimes I call him “Dad”, to his dismay. But he really does make me want to be a better person. I have told him numerous times that he should go into counseling because he really knows how to make an impact and he doesn’t mince words, which so many of us tend to do.

My best friend loves me for all the things he knows I can be, whereas my husband loves me for who I am. So I feel lucky that I have a motivator and an unconditional lover in my life. Even if he is a dick!

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  1. I wish I had a good friend like that.

  2. you are special. remember that. when all else fails remember that who you are is special!

    people love you, me included! stay strong sista!

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  3. Hey....I'll work there with ya! That sign is hilarious!!

  4. hey hed,

    i feel the same. i used to rant and rave on my blog, and then look back at it and think 'wow, i sure do hate my life'. so i don't do that any more, but it doesn't mean that everything is okay all of a sudden. i still hurt.

    but the caption to that dr. phil image cheered me up - "don't try and sugar coat it because you'll at that too." bwahahaha!

  5. oh oh oh! i forgot - i'm gonna post a vid for you on my blog...soon. ish. you may have already seen it, but if you haven't, oh. ma. gawd. you're gonna love it.

  6. He sounds like a nice friend Hed - and means the best for you. I think you are making too much out of his choice of restaurants - I know how to eat healthy anywhere [sodium restriction for me - and believe me THAT is harder than just restricting calories.] He means the best, but I don't like the crack about what he said about being pretty and overweight.

    You are a beautiful person - inside and out - never forget that.

  7. the problem with friends is that they constantly want you to face the reality of a situation when you aren't ready and they see your avoidance of talking about a certain subject as not wanting to deal with it, whereas it's not that at all, you want to but you are just not ready and forcing the issue just ends up making you feel worse than ever.

    Hope things improve for you soon :)

  8. Are you positive he's really a man? :P

  9. Hed...A "best friend" will always feel that they can tell you anything even if they know you don't want to hear it. I bet he's just really worried about you and sees something that maybe others don't. Be glad you have a friend that loves you. I agree though that when you are able to, getting therapy is a must and sticking with it is the key. Maybe you need to wonder if you begin to feel good and then think you don't need it, why you go back to being so depressed? That's the mom in me talking. You are beautiful and that's all that matters. Doesn't matter what size you are. You need to be ok with who YOU are. Hugs from your SC mom...xx

  10. wish i had a friend like that and you totally could work the strip club i'll come work with you

  11. We are the kind of friends that love you as part of our blog family and will be here for you when you need us. Promise.

  12. OT and Becca-I'm happy I have a friend that will give it to me straight!

    Bruce, Skippy and Odie-Thanks guys. You have no idea how close I feel to my fellow bloggers sometimes.

    GATRS-Right? Although they would def. accept you on the "pretty" side!

    Kage-Yep, that's pretty much it. I don't want to be emo on my blog every single day. That would be...emo!

    Skippy-Oh, I am making a big deal hee hee. He's diabetic. He knows how to eat. He wanted it because he wanted the soup-and expects that I will be able to choose healthy as well. I'm not at that point yet!

    Lyndy-don't we ever have the option to just tell everyone "I'm fine" so they can leave us alone? Not with him I don't. Ack!

    Drake-I question it sometimes...

    Barb-Yeah, he's big on therapy, and I know he's right. I need to actually switch my way of thinking so the cycles I have come to an end!

  13. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system, though, and you have all of us here in the blogospere too!

  14. I'm so glad you love your best friend and all, but I would totally have taken a men's athletic sock full of Irish Spring to his head. "whap" that will fix him and his trying to 'fix' you.

    By the way you've a little something over at my place if you care to go over that way to see.

  15. Stacey-Thanks! It's funny how sometimes strangers "get" you, you know?

    Tory-Hahahahahaha...why have I never thought of that?

    And OOH! I love surprises!

  16. Hi hed. My first time here.
    My heart is breaking a little for you.

    [ < BLOGGER PREACHY FONT > ] I often feel (felt?) that way with my BF and me. I am so fucked up and he is so... NOT. We had a close call recently.

    I realized that I need meds to keep my shit together. If you suffer from issues that are caused by a chemical imbalance, you can try your damndest (is that a real word?) on your own and still never progress. Your brain is fecking you up whether you want it to or not.

    It's so worth the money for meds & therapy, especially if you've had success in the past. Please go back and stick with it, babe. Please. Suicidal thoughts are a sign it's gone too far in the bad direction.

    Please do it, and do it for you, because you are worth every cent. Even if you feel like nothing. Obvs people here, and your hubs, and your friend know better. Don't trust your skewed perception.


    I know you don't know me and will want to dismiss my blah-blah-blahing, but you need to take care of you.

    I'll shut up now.

    (I am a total hypocrite, but, I mean well).

  17. Stephanie-Hi and welcome :)

    I always appreciate words of advice, preachy or not. Really!

    I really want to try the therapy route before the med route (AGAIN) because I needed to give my brain a break from all the drugs-even now I feel like I'm in a cloud and suffer memory loss due to...I don't even know what.

  18. Don't have any wise words to say, but popping in to say hi and that I read your blog post :)

  19. I'm with Erica. Nothing wise to say, but wanted you to know that I'm here. It's so weird to feel so close to our blogger friends but not be able to support them like we would our local friends. For the record, if I lived near you and we got to hang out like regular friends, I would totally have slumber parties with you have to be home alone (above post.) And I would so totally not take you to the Olive Garden. (Although I'd be all over the frozen yogurt.)

  20. Erica and FF-You both rock! I would hang out with both of you-Erica could teach us how to sew and FF could get us to Australia LOL :)


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