Thursday, January 20, 2011

Crossroads.

A new reader and I were talking about her bipolar, something she calls her “mind monster”. She asked me if I had a name for mine, and I told her I don’t. I do have a description though. Imagine those two guys on your shoulder: the angel and the devil. People call them “your conscience”. I have a slightly different version. I have a normal dude on one side, that will casually tell me if something is a good decision, and then I have the apathetic dude, who is constantly saying “but why? Really, who cares?”

This last month, casual guy got a pep in his step and starting talking to me a little more. When there are times I feel sad, he tells me to hold those tears in and think of the big picture. I have done pretty well, with virtually no setbacks.

Until today.

My marriage has hit a wall. Every time I think we have climbed a few steps something happens that knocks us back down to step one. Unfortunately I can’t get into a elaborate discussion about why since my family and his family reads my blog (hi family), but they all have an idea what’s going on. I love him to death and he loves me, but…I guess I wonder: is love enough?

I’ve been happy lately, even more so these last few days because J and I came to a decision about our future, and it made me so hopeful! We would continue to do what we need to do separately and come back together as stronger people. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately because when I lay down and nothing is distracting me, my brain races with thoughts. Last night I had this big seed of doubt about how J is really feeling and I got up to talk to him about it. This morning I get an e-mail from him confirming all of my doubts. These last two days of hope and happiness, they’ve been a lie.

I get in the shower and stand there, frozen, thinking about the future of my marriage. My eyes start to sting from wanting to cry, but I hold back. Apathetic guy shows up. “Why, Hed? Who cares? It just doesn’t matter”. So I cry. And I haven’t stopped since.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely at a loss. I have no one to talk to because everyone has a different slant on the situation. I want to give up. I so badly want to just be that person who can triumph over adversity, but I ‘m not. I run the other way. I don’t know how to fight-it’s a program I am lacking in my brain functions. So I am just going to wipe my tears, wait until my mom gets home and eat a burrito covered in sauce that is bigger than my head and a taco smothered in guacamole and fatty goodness. And enjoy it.

Because I’m done today.

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22 comments:

  1. I hope everything works out for you.

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  2. Hard to respond girl. I am sorry that you are having this difficulty & wish I had some magic answer but sadly I do not. I don't have a perfect marriage either but we somehow keep working things out. You have my email address if you want to vent to someone. Hope you have a restful night.
    Odie :)

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  3. I'd love to see a sauce bigger than one's head. Gotta have pics. If there's no pics, it didn't happen.

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  4. Right now, I'm gonna give you some MAD PROPS! Neither my close or distant relative have access to my blog. They know I have some crazy this going on in my 'world' already. If they knew every little detail they would disown me lol

    You got some hella balls of brass ma! Kudos!

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  5. Awe girlie, I can only imagine how you must feel. Marriage is hard especially when distance is a huge part of your present life, trust me I know. The saying distance only makes the heart grow fonder sometimes just isn't enough. All I can say to you is, you have my email and my fb access, so please if ever you need to vent with no family or close friends (outside bloggy world of course) feel free to vent away, even if you do not want a response.
    Virtual hugs and gentle nudges to hang in there, it can only get better!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

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  6. If you want to chat, please email me, I promise not to be preachy, I'll just listen.

    We just passed a crossroads and I'd love to just be a place to vent to so apathetic guy doesn't win out.

    Enjoy your food... hope it is tasty!

    Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

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  7. you are in my thoughts and prayers young one...

    i wish i had some voodoo magic that could make you all better, but alas, i do not...

    i can tell you this, a gianormous burrito is freakin awsome!

    luv and hugs! big hugs
    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy
    dreamodeling!

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  8. Sweetie...hard to respond without knowing details but all I can say to you is the same advice I gave to someone who is dealing with alcoholism and fell off the wagon. I said to get professional help because whatever is underlying is bigger than you or your friends can deal with. In order to make you like yourself and life seek professional help. Hed, I hope you aren't offended by that but I mean it with sincerity from the bottom of my heart!!! Love you daughter!!!

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  9. Been there.... done that... & it sucks.

    Only thing I can say-

    yes sticking it out is way harder than walking away,

    but

    it can be totally worth it.

    Good luck- sending good thoughts your way! Hang in there whatever you decide.

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  10. I wish that I had some answers...we have been in that place and it wasn't easy to pull out of it...if you need to talk, please let me know...I am sorry that you are going through this....hugs and lots of love your way.

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  11. You have spent your whole life telling yourself you can't, that you won't. Sorry - that is what I see from what you have written.

    One day you are either going to have to pick yourself up and move forward to have a life and a marriage or you can sit back and wallow forever.

    It is your pick Hed. You are a strong woman, intelligent and lovely [inside and out] so either get a move on or give up. It can't go on forever.

    It pains all of us to see you this way - you can do so much more and it would be a waste if you didn't.

    You have so much to give. It is time you saw that and not just us.

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  12. You seem like such a generous person, I can't imagine that you really, truly want to give up on this. You *can* try to make this work! It will most likely be neither easy nor swift, but it will so be worth it. After making the effort, you will know the answer one way or another and can go forward from there. Don't give up on yourself. We haven't!

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  13. Sorry to hear about the rough patch you've hit.

    I have been there but always tried to hold out hope they would get better. I can tell you from experience that in one way or another things can and do get better.

    I hope they get better for you soon.

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  14. darling, you need to talk to someone. Get it all out in the open. Get him on the phone or skype. Beleive me, emails can be misread, misunderstood and twisted with interpretation until the original intention is lost in a sea of doubt and fear. Talk poperly, honestly about your fears and hopes. Why cant you write it here? The people you are hiding from are the people you need right now. Dont make any decisions rashly. Hugs

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  15. Whatever happens, if any big decisions need to be made.. it will work out somehow.

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  16. I agree with Skippy,I think you talk yourself into OR out of stuff - because you spend to much time talking to yourself.
    I do the same - I re-hash a conversation so many times in my head that I think my versions or my awesome comebacks are real when in actual fact I have blown it WAAAAAY outta proportion in my own mind.
    If you wanna chit chat any time, about any thing please Facebook me, I'm always up for a chat :)
    Please make sure you share all those thoughts that are running around in your head and get some perspective, you are NOT alone!!!
    P.S. we all really care about you because you are bloody awesome!!! We may not be right next to you, but we are always with you :)

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  17. hugs marriage is hard enough but when one and/or both are sick it makes it that much harder. i hope you are able to find a balance and that everything works out.

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  18. I can't really relate to my own experience, since I've never been married. But in some of my worst times, I just focus on getting through each day, one at a time. Don't think ahead. Just thing of what you have ahead in your day, and if there's nothing, then create something for you to do, just so you can make it to the end of the day and have a sense of accomplishment.

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  19. Thanks to everyone for their comments and love this weekend-I needed it. Rough to say the least, which is why I haven't posted since. I'm okay-but this is the reason I don't post when I'm EMO! :)

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  20. I read this last week and just couldn't respond. I felt myself so much in your pain and your anguish. Marriage is hard - very hard. It's not 50/50 - or even 100/100 - it's giving 150% of yourself every day - day in and day out. That is hard, especially if you feel you're the only one giving that 150%. I know that I have felt that many times in the past 26+ years. There are times (still) when I want to walk away (hell, run!!!) but I know that I can't. I have calm dude and anguish dude on each shoulder, too. They can make or break my day (and sometimes they are definitely in war with each other). Talking helps and (I know) blogging helps.

    I hope that your world is better today.

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