A new reader and I were talking about her bipolar, something she calls her “mind monster”. She asked me if I had a name for mine, and I told her I don’t. I do have a description though. Imagine those two guys on your shoulder: the angel and the devil. People call them “your conscience”. I have a slightly different version. I have a normal dude on one side, that will casually tell me if something is a good decision, and then I have the apathetic dude, who is constantly saying “but why? Really, who cares?”
This last month, casual guy got a pep in his step and starting talking to me a little more. When there are times I feel sad, he tells me to hold those tears in and think of the big picture. I have done pretty well, with virtually no setbacks.
My marriage has hit a wall. Every time I think we have climbed a few steps something happens that knocks us back down to step one. Unfortunately I can’t get into a elaborate discussion about why since my family and his family reads my blog (hi family), but they all have an idea what’s going on. I love him to death and he loves me, but…I guess I wonder: is love enough?
I’ve been happy lately, even more so these last few days because J and I came to a decision about our future, and it made me so hopeful! We would continue to do what we need to do separately and come back together as stronger people. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately because when I lay down and nothing is distracting me, my brain races with thoughts. Last night I had this big seed of doubt about how J is really feeling and I got up to talk to him about it. This morning I get an e-mail from him confirming all of my doubts. These last two days of hope and happiness, they’ve been a lie.
I get in the shower and stand there, frozen, thinking about the future of my marriage. My eyes start to sting from wanting to cry, but I hold back. Apathetic guy shows up. “Why, Hed? Who cares? It just doesn’t matter”. So I cry. And I haven’t stopped since.
I don’t know what to do, I’m completely at a loss. I have no one to talk to because everyone has a different slant on the situation. I want to give up. I so badly want to just be that person who can triumph over adversity, but I ‘m not. I run the other way. I don’t know how to fight-it’s a program I am lacking in my brain functions. So I am just going to wipe my tears, wait until my mom gets home and eat a burrito covered in sauce that is bigger than my head and a taco smothered in guacamole and fatty goodness. And enjoy it.
Because I’m done today.