Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What’s your definition of “fat”?

I wrestled with whether I should shelve this archive and post the next one, but, as uncomfortable as it is to talk about my body, I really wanted to share it with my readers because it is a part of my life. I did some housework today and after one room I was exhausted. My back hurt, my arms hurt, and I was sweaty. Gross. How did it get to this?
This blog is dated June 16, 2010, and it rings as true today as it did then.

First off, I'd like to share with my readers that I am typing this naked in the middle of the day. Because my brain never turns off, my mind wandered to the look of my own body while I was in the shower so I sat at my computer in my towel and started to write. In the shower, I came to this conclusion: I think there is an invisible weight limit for each individual where you cross the line from-

"skinny" to "trim"

"trim" to "healthy"

"healthy" to "curvy"

"curvy" to, gosh, there's so many, "plump", "chubby", "chunky", etc.

"chubby" to "fat"

"fat" to "really fat"

and finally, "really fat" to "I can't lift my legs out of bed fat"

I am the second to last one. Really. I'm not some tabloid mag that shows Beyonce with jiggle and proclaims "FAT!!!", I'm the one you would say to a friend, "I can't believe she got so big!" or "she always had such a pretty face". I do have a pretty face, damn it, it's just hard to see the actual shape of it.

I'll lay out the grim, uncomfortable details: my thighs don't just touch, they stick together. I'm starting to get stretch marks on my knees. My knees! The stretch marks I was blessed with when having my son have actually risen upward and backward. That horrible back fat near the bra area some of us are plagued with? Mine actually rests on my lower back fat. My ears are fat. (No, not really, I just wanted to break the gross visuals with some comic relief.) It's hard to lift up my body, like when you pull the blankets out from under you when you are lying down. I walked the other day to our mailbox and by the time I got back my back was aching. The worst part about my fat is that I got passed down an apple shape via my grandmother. I'm all stomach. My ex said I was "shaped like a boy", because I carry all of my weight in my middle, as opposed to actually hot fat girls who have boobs and booty. I'm still a C cup. I used to have to buy jeans that were tight up top but baggy everywhere else because I didn't have big legs. Now I wear track pants, which is ironic because I've never been to a track in my life. My feet are fat. I wear slip-on because tennis shoes are too tight.

By the way, I'm not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. I heaped this on myself. Mr. McDonald and the Colonel and Jack were merely accomplices. The thing is, I want to be invisible. I want to walk somewhere out in the open and not have one person lay eyes on me. When I am in the grocery store, I make my husband go with me because I can make him be the culprit if we put Oreos in the basket. People may look at him and pay no mind, but I feel like if I grab cookies, people are like, "doesn't she know how she looks?" I only go through drive-through, because you are anonymous and people can assume all that food you are buying is for a family of six waiting for you at home. I feel instantly guilty whenever I say "and one Reeses McFlurry". I refuse to eat a hot fry or take a sip from my milkshake in the car while waiting for more food. Even one fry in public means I am a fat, lazy cow who belongs in Wal-Mart on a Jazzy scooter. Of course this is the main thing we talk about in therapy, because my outside is what I convey to others. I can be whomever I want on the inside to anyone, because that is what I do. I can't hide my outside. I can only hide inside-I mean, in my house, away from any eyes. When I was younger, 130 pounds was fat. See how fat I was?

(Face covered to protect the innocent fat people. Namely me.)
 
I wanted to slap my 90 pound friends when they said they were fat. Where??? I used to work in a plus-size clothing store, and I loved it, even though I was a size 12-14. So many insecure girls would walk in and it was like the store was a safe haven. It screamed "look at everyone around you! You are not alone!!!" I wasn't the smallest girl that worked there and I wasn't the largest. Other than my stomach, I was okay with my body. I still had food issues back then though. I would try and hide the food I would eat when I had to leave the store on lunch and go to the food court. Us big girls always had plenty of snacks to go around, and I would make sure I would only eat either in private or when another girl was eating the same thing. After that job I started in the restaurant business, and as a manager I got all my food for free. For free. I would buy the massive desserts all the time because I knew that my servers would offer to split it or I could half it right away so I wouldn't seem like a fat pig. That way, instead of them looking at me eating, it would be like a reward for them and take the emphasis off myself. Fried foods were a daily indulgence. The cooks were so awesome, and I could ask them to make special stuff with the ingredients they had that weren't on the menu, like patty melts or crunchy fish tacos. Even after a ten-hour shift, I would still pick up fast food on the way home. It's like it was never enough.

I've tried to rationalize to myself that overeating is self-destruction, so it wouldn't be a big deal if I became bulimic or started to starve myself. Bulimia is out-I can't believe some people get a high after they puke, I feel awful and shaky and just want to lie down. And starving myself? Fat chance (pardon the pun). If I don't eat after eight hours *BAM* instant migraine. If I block out foods they become all I think about. If I only drink liquids I crave solids. I can't take ephedra or fat-burning supplements because of my medications and my somewhat bum ticker. I don't know what is scarier: walking into a public gym or being in the same room with a cockroach. They are both paralyzing.

I'm not gonna lie: I want the surgery. I want something that forcibly says, "you want that slice of cheesecake? Oh hell no! *Puke*". I know the drill people. I can't expect to succeed even with surgery if I don't change my routine and eating habits. When I buy a candy bar, I tell myself, "just today. Tomorrow I will cut out a sugar item". Then I eat another candy bar. It sucks. I have an addiction. It's not like crack, where you can learn how to recover from the dependency. You have to eat to live. And I live to eat.

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28 comments:

  1. I could have written that blog entry....thank you for sharing...

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  2. I stumbled upon this post via Studio 30+, and for a few moments, I wondered if I was actually reading my own thoughts on someone else's blog.

    You know those times when you get a little prickle of tears because you're not alone in the world?

    Yeah, that happened.

    Thank you.

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  3. Food is a weird relationship with everyone. For a long time I was the fat girl and I always felt guilty eating in front of anyone. There was a time where my mom told me I looked pregnant.

    But the thing you should do that I did that helped me tremendously is join an exercise group, that way you'll make friends and do something fun and if you're feeling down those new friends will help support you to finish what you started.

    However the whole friend thing didn't come out for me with Marching band, but that helped me get off the couch and with exercise I just didn't crave the fast food and soda and stuff. Well at least what I learned from myself.

    You got to learn how your body works.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

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  4. That picture is not what I consider fat. You look good.

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  5. Colenic and MOMP-yeah, you have no idea how many times I have read a blog and gone "holy crap GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!" I'm glad you understand. Thanks.

    Morgan-It's hard for me at the moment to make friends since I'm so anxious and down on myself, but yeah-I know exactly what you mean. It's so much easier with support.

    OT-Thanks! Oh, to be 15 again...when the pic was taken...

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  6. I also stumbled upon this via Studio 30 Plus, and was very moved. What an honest, articulate, courageous post. Again, very moved.

    Have you ever seen Joy Nash's "fat rant" video? I don't know if you'll love it or hate it, but it can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA

    Hugs.

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  7. Hed...I wish i could tell you it will get better but I can't because I am in the same boat. I'm not worried about eating in public but I'm 100 pounds heavier than I should be. I know it's unhealthy but I crave the sweets, and fatty foods. I stress eat. And right now my life is a huge stress ball. So I'm in no position to give you advice except I will tell you that you'll have a much bigger problem if you beat yourself down all the time. Start with dealing with that and then worry about everything else. You have got to have self confidence regardless of whether you're 150 pounds or 350 pounds. Talk to your therapist. There are support groups too. Thanks for writing this though. It tells me a lot more about why you're in the down mode. Love ya kiddo. I'm here with ya!

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  8. Stacey-hi! I watched this video years ago, and I love it even now! (I wonder honestly if she's like 6 feet though) I added you on Studio 30+ as well. Welcome to my blog!

    Barb-Yep, I eat when I'm stressed too. Ugh! I wish you lived closer, for real. I would walk with you anywhere <3

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  9. I hear you! I love to eat too. Winter is the worse too because our seratonin levels drop making us crave foods even more so we will gain weight to replace the full spectrum sunlight we are not getting as much of. :( !!! I also came here via studio thirty plus.

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  10. And I would walk anywhere with you. I like myself regardless of my weight. I don't like what my weight has done to me phsically, but inside I'm the same me. Start believing that about yourself. I have to wonder if your stoppings meds or meds in general have not affected your weight. Again, talk to a doctor. Your husband loves you for who you are and that's what matters most. You have lots of love!

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  11. Hey Hed. I'm a 5'5 120lb woman who has always had food issues. Weight issues and food issues do not always go hand in hand and are certainly two different animals. But they both suck nonetheless. I read this woman's blog http://theragesofkages.blogspot.com/ and thought to myself "whoa....I've been this person" (minus the stripper part) Her blog clearly states that it has adult content, so if that doesn't bother you, read her stuff. She is so candid I can't believe it. She's funny too. Anyway....I really like your blog and I wish you all the best.

    SF

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  12. Wow so many new names/faces commenting today...it's like Christmas came late, holla!

    Kimber-not to mention all the kick-ass holiday feasts as well to deal with. I always say "after Christmas, after Christmas"...right now my main goal is portioning foods, not overeating and trying to grab the right foods when I need a sugar fix.

    Barb-after Christmas, after Christmas...lol. I plan on going back into therapy, but I really want to focus everything on getting a job first, you know?

    Heather (that's my favorite name!)-all I needed to see on that blog was Trent Reznor wallpaper and I'm in. My sister is like you, she's very much in control of what she puts in her body when it comes to food. Thanks for coming to my blog!

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  13. in a perfect world we are all perfect. the world is not perfect. we are not perfect.

    we all struggle with our own demons, but having a sounding board and encouragment can only help...

    you have people that care, in the bloggersphere...

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book

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  14. Ha! You'll get plenty of Trent in her blog!!

    Funny....Heather is my mother's favorite name too!

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  15. Hed, I think that was a very brave post and I hope that you can see from all the comments that you have a lot of love and support out there. As Bouncin'Barb says, you have a husband that loves you, so that's a big PLUS in your life. It must be awful for you to crave those sugary foods so much. I'm not being any help to you at all, I know, but just wanted to say that I am another blogging friend who is willing you on and for 2011 to be a fulfilling year for you,.

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  16. Darling Hed, Bruce said it just right. We are here to support you like you support us. The most important thing is for you to be healthy in both mind and body.

    Bigs hugs darling girl

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  17. Good luck Hed & just try to stay focused on your goals and communicate with supportive people like Barb.
    Odie

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  18. I can’t provide a decent answer without a recent picture. Weight and any kind of measurement in general isn’t my forte.

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  19. Wow, this is a very honest, and great blog post x

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  20. I like the gap in habit Australia gave you--now you know what its like to not have fast food and I see you starting to use that as a tool. I admit it, I'm lazy and I'm a very good cook, however I spent about forty years cooking for the fam and I'm tired of it. I went through about five years of loathing even going in the kitchen but somewhere a lightbulb went on in my head and I had one of those ah ha moments. I cook now--the four boys are growed and gone--for me and the hubs and I am going after the look and tastes of gorgeous food. Trying very hard to enjoy the idea of the food and not just the amount. Oh yes, still have those issues...Weight Watchers again this month, its time for me in 2011. I applaud your idea of learning to cook new food and getting into control through the back door if that's the only way in. I have managed to stabilize my weight. I need to take off about 80 pounds but at least its not creeping up anymore for the past year. Hey its a start!
    Your charming grandmother always says I'm built like my grandma, yep...must be genetic. I think you are astonishingly brave in saying what we all think out loud. Keep writing kid!

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  21. Honestly, this topic gets worse every year for me. Every year I wish I looked like I had the previous year. Getting older really sucks. In High School I thought I was fat but I would LOVE to look like that again.

    I'm so sick of worrying about my weight though, that I just don't. I still want to watch what I eat, but I'm not going to obsess about it. Boyfriend says I'm beautiful just the way I am and he is the one that has to look at me. So screw it!

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  22. This is by far the most comments I have ever gotten...so I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for sharing all.

    Bruce-You're so awesome, even as a guy :P I'm happy you feel that way-it seems like it's rare to find men that say that out loud!

    Thisisme-it's not so much the sugary foods now as it is never feeling full...I always ALWAYS feel hungry and it sucks. Plus the minute I start watching what I eat it consumes me from when I wake to when I sleep. It's awful.

    Mynx, Odie and Erica-Thanks for your support <3

    Drake-such a guy thing to say! Lol, I even have a hard time right now webcamming with the hubs, so you'll get no picture! But sadly even if you were to go "DAMN BABY!" or whatever, it still wouldn't change how I feel inside. /emo

    Roxy-You're back on my blog! Yay! Missed you :) Food is no longer a reward or a treat-it's a dread. I wish I could just stop eating altogether, to be honest.

    JM-yep...looking back I would KILL to be 130. What were our stupid teenage selves thinking??

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  23. Thank you for writing this. I really agree with you in so many ways. I have a similar relationship with food. I often think that I am addicted to eating. And it is hard to stop because you NEED to eat to live. Self esteem comes from the inside however and I have been both "fat" and "skinny" and hated myself either way. With the new year coming up it is just a reminder to me of the failurs of years past. This is a very BRAVE post. Keep your head up. Like you once told me ... you are not alone in this.

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  24. My little girl asked me the other day when my stomach was going to go back to "normal"?? Horrible, the judging is coming from inside the house!
    Love this post, thanks for sharing!

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  25. Wow, I just wrote about my issues with weights and a buddy blogger shared this link with me. Even though I managed to lose some weight I struggle everyday to keep the pounds off, I was miserable at my "thinnest" (134 lbs) and miserable at my heaviest (200 lbs). I am in between now but issues about weight are always lurking my mind. Being a single mother and fat was even worst, no one looked at me. I know how hard it is to lose weight and then keep it off, or at least try to. Is a constant struggle because I love to eat, I love desserts, sweets, bread, all that wonderful food that for a time gave me comfort. Now I've turned to shopping, substituting eating with shopping, neither fills the void. Thank you for your honesty, not many girls dare to talk about their issues with weight or body so openly.

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  26. I could totally relate to your feelings here. I struggle with compulsive behavior, so food is so exhausting because you HAVE to have it. And you also have to have it in moderation. I freaking hate moderation. I can't eat ice cream without wanting it again 20 minutes later. In a lot of ways, it's worse than crack. At least that's hard to get and there are some legal consequences to be worried about. I hope you figure out your magical answer. Or just start chipping away at it as you can. Good luck, friend.

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  27. I so could have written this. Or going to Mickey D's drive thru and ordering and then going through BK's and ordering another just so they wouldn't think that ALL of the food was for you. I know all of the tricks. I admire you for having the courage to talk about this.

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  28. Although I don't have an eating disorder, I am on meds, and going through menopause, both of which cause weight gain. I am fat. I can drop 30lbs and put it right back on. I'm on one of my diets again and losing. I just hope I can stay on it this time. As for a boys body, I have that too. The only girls pants I can wear are hip huggers.

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