January 1 is sixteen days away. That’s when I swore to myself I would start looking for a job. I haven’t had a job since November 2009, back when I was working at Starbucks of all places after being a restaurant manager for two years. One day I couldn’t go to work. I just…couldn’t. The boss wouldn’t let me slide that day. So instead of trying to be rational, I quit. Three weeks later I landed a job at Starbucks for half the money and half the hours. One day I gave up. I didn’t even call in sick. I just stopped. Something died in me last fall, and, like I have said in many of my blogs, I don’t think that part of me will ever be back.
BUT! Unless I choose to go through months and months of paperwork and waiting to get approved for permanent disability (Bipolar is actually something you can apply for, apparently), my ass needs to get a job. Now I have been in management since I was 21. I have years of experience, and once upon a time I could have probably talked you into buying poo as a facial mask because it firmed your skin. I had a LOT of charisma. Had. I tend to not have a sense of humor anymore, and it sucks.
I’ve been looking into schools since I’ve been home, and with the economy and my lack of savings, it seems like a moot point. Plus, no one is getting jobs-with or without a college education. I have a friend who graduated in Economics from a top-tier university…she delivers pizza. Another friend is in graduate school for Marketing. During the day she works at a furniture store and at night works at a clothing store. I really don’t think spending my time learning a skill will be fruitful at this time-and I hate saying that. School is so, so important in my opinion.
My mom is pretty much saying “take what you can get”, and I agree. But now all the fear and doubt and excuses are popping in my head. I have no work clothes anymore (I sold it all/gained weight). I’m afraid to work with people. I can’t manage my own life, let alone other people! What are my options? What do I tell people about my year absence? What if I fail after a week? A month? Three months? UGH.
I want a job. I want to be super ambitious like I used to be and network my ass off. But I think everyone will see through me, or they won’t see the spark that I once had. I can’t get a job working on my own, because working in the service industry is all I’ve ever done. At this point I don’t have the confidence to tell myself I will succeed, and it sucks. I’m really, truly NOT trying to be a Negative Nelly today! The reason I even blogged about this subject is because I have been looking into my options. I gave myself until the first of the month so I can get situated back home and so I could try and give myself many pep talks.
I want to go into Medicine. Serious. My dream would to be a Physician’s Assistant or a Pharmacist, or to be Miranda Bailey. I’m thinking about just trying to weasel my way into something related to medicine at the moment, even if that means answering phones at a doctor’s office or something. So that’s what I’m looking into at the moment. If any of you lovely readers have any suggestions, I’d love to hear them…