Saturday, November 20, 2010

So here we are…in the NOW.

I’m happy to see that in the course of 24 hours, I have 13 followers already! Holy CRAP! I promise and swear up and down that when I have some free time I am going to update my blog lists, join new blogs, and read like hell! I’m still in the process of switching, tweaking, and fidoodling my blogs, so today I leave you with an archive from May 12, 2010 from my Bipolar blog.

Last night, I heard the song "Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves, a band I wouldn't normally associate myself with, and I said out loud, "this song makes me want to go to Hof's Hut!". In case you are not familiar, Hof's Hut is a Coco's-type restaurant that exists in Orange county. Thinking of Hof's Hut on Chapman in Orange made me think of my old apartment off of Main Street, next to the Children's Hospital in Orange. I immediately got a pang in my belly. Moving to Orange from the Inland Empire was a HUGE deal. My family is very close-knit, and everyone is generally twenty minutes away from one another. When I got the urge to move out of my family's house, I started looking outward. Way outward. I happened to stumble upon someone who already lived in Orange, and wanted a roommate. I told him I could only afford $600. He said, "that's fine". This was the spring of 2006, when I worked at a Hot-Topic type store and had a hoop in my lip. I ended up moving away from my family two weeks after my grandmother died, which was also a HUGE deal. No one in my life other than my great-grandmother and some distant cousins have died in my family, and my grandma was like my mom.

I had a sense of independence I had never felt before. I had lived away from my family before, but it was with an ex-boyfriend, and we were always struggling. This felt different. I was in charge of my life. If something broke, there was no one around but myself to fix it. I ate whatever I wanted. I did whatever I wanted. I was free. The room I had was massive, literally as big as the entire apartment I share with my husband now. I had my own bathroom, my roommate was never home, and I could hear the fireworks from Disneyland every night out my window. The Starbucks closed at 1 a.m.! I still worked in the I.E., and every time I drove home, I would hit the 55 freeway from the 91 and it was magical. When I was a kid, hitting the 55 freeway meant we were almost at the beach. Now I lived off of it! I wish I could explain in more detail how amazing that time in my life was. I don't ever recall having depression during that time (well, except at the very end of the 9 months I was there-but that's a whole other blog). I had a "friend with benefits", I could do whatever I wanted.

After thinking of my time there, I said out loud, "I miss Orange County. I miss my life". My husband turned to me and said, "are you serious?". I told him yes, I was. I had no one to rely on but myself back then. I had no crutch when things went down. I WAS FREE. The thing is, was I? When I was in that time, did I not stress about money? Did I not have work woes? Did the "friend with benefits" not break my heart time and time again? Of course they did. But I happen to believe, as I always have, that the past experiences are always better than the present. At that time, when that time was the present, I probably would trade it all in for my grandmother still being alive. I probably cried myself to sleep every night for a month. The whole time I lived 20 minutes away from the beach, I never went. But yet, I always glamorize my past, and my past is always better than what it is now. I hate my life at the moment. I am afraid to leave my house. I am 100 pounds overweight. I have missed friends and families birthday parties, baby showers, holidays. Just six months ago I had a townhouse, a great job and nothing to worry about. I miss my life then. 18 months ago I was planning a wedding, was only 50 pounds overweight and after a long struggle, my fiancé was living with me. I miss my life then. It goes on and on and on. I am never satisfied with how I am feeling NOW. I have always had the option of change, and now I have to be concerned with how that will affect my husband. I don't know how to love myself and appreciate the things I have in the moment. My life is always yesterday.
P.S. The Hof's Hut down the street from my house? It closed down.

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  1. So you’re 250 pounds, or are you just being a woman about this and going for the airbrushed digitally altered images in those stupid fashion magazines which make me choke on my own vomit? :P

    Nostalgic goggles are a bitch! I collect old childhood games and they almost never turn out to be as good as I remember them.

  2. I'm plus-sized, Drake-I'm not as big as I have been but I'm a lot bigger than I should be. Does that answer your question in a girlish way lol?

    Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Mario Bros. 3. Tetris. These make me smile even now. Yet I still can't figure out Castlevania!!! WTF?!?!?!

  3. Whew! I just read your last 4 entries. So... I'm glad you get to go home and be with your family. Also, I think it's really profound of you to realize your infatuation with the past. I, personally, get over-obsessed with the future. What if I get bored? What if there are no more projects left to do? What if Isaac and I stop loving each other so much and I'm trapped in a mediocre marriage? And it's not even worry. It's just this constant trying to guess what will happen, like a book that I want to read the last page of right now because I am so excited. Maybe we're all just incapable of looking at right now. Because we'd drown in the boringness of it. So we can't help but sneak peeks backwards or forwards?

  4. FF how philosophical of you! I never, EVER think of the future. That's weird, isn't it? When I think of the future I get sad because I always expect things to go downhill from wherever it is I am at right this second. I mean I have to be determined to look forward now if not for myself, then for my husband and our future...

  5. Hed I never really think of the future either and really dwell in the past remembering and wishing I was back there as you could tell if you read my blog especially about the school bus post. Everything was better for me back then as well. Today for me to survive it is medications that keep me on an even keel. I wish it wasn't that way but sadly it is. Well Hed I do hope this will be a great weekend for you and look forward to seeing your next post.

  6. Hed- for me...I have perspective on the past so that makes me look at it differently. I am one of those if I only knew then what I know now kinda people. because of my past I cant be mildly obsessive about the steps that I am taking and how that will impact my future. I am desperately trying to live every single day in the present. I know how it feels to not know if there will be a future out there for you- so today is what I need to concentrate on. Hope that you have a good weekend...hugs!

  7. Hed...I see good things happening for you going forward, as long as you are honest with yourself. At least you are doing something for you and not just sitting in limbo being miserable. Too many people do that. So good for you. Your mom must be so glad you're coming home.

  8. Odie-Pragmatic Spector and my friend who e-mailed me have a lot of insight for them both being younger than me. One said I will never be the hed that I once was, I will just have to build back up and become the hed that I am now-and it's up to ME to change perspective. I'm trying to keep those words on a loop in my head...

    Colenic-I don't mind looking back and being naive, what bothers me is when I had a good thing going and I let it slip away. I guess that's still a form of "if I knew then what I know know" though, isn't it?

    Barb-God, I hope so. I'm not trying for a miracle, I just want a sense of stability and normalcy.

    My mom e-mailed me this morning, and it read, "Today I woke up to it raining and it's chilly! Around 50 so you'll be loving this weather. I'll be getting your room ready for you, clean sheets, empty drawers, and space in the bathroom for your make-up and stuff. I even bought you a Turkey Breast to put in the crock pot for your coming home Thanksgiving! I really have missed you! If there is anything else you can think of before you come home that you need here, let me know k?"

    TURKEY!!! (Oh, and seeing my family again lol)


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