Monday, November 22, 2010


Still going through my blog archives currently-this one is dated May 12, 2010.

When I was three, my mom and my dad got married. When I was three, my mom and my dad divorced. Yes, I was one of those kids that always hoped their parents would get back together. My dad was a cool dad, the one that would never spank you-he would use logic like, "tell me why you think I'm upset you ate cookies before dinner?" On the weekends I would visit him, I would drink Squirt cola at two in the morning and get the 10 pack of burritos from Del Taco. My mom was the bad guy. I always had to spend the night with my grandparents because my mom had to do things like work double shifts as a waitress. She would make snide comments on the Monday after my dad's weekend like, "God I hate when you come back from your dad's! He doesn't give you any rules!" During my early years, we lived on Avenue E with my grandparents. Then 16th Street. Then Avenue E. Then Avenue G. Then Avenue E. Then Avenue F. Then Avenue E. I made friend after friend after friend because I was shuffled around schools so much. I didn't have time to be shy. I remember, in fourth grade, going back to the school I spent second grade in, and a girl came up to me and said, "Remember me? I was your best friend when you went to school here!" I thought to myself,"I was? Geez, I don't even know you."

Before me, my mom had a son and a daughter from her previous marriage, and my dad had a daughter, so technically I wasn't an only child, but I never felt like I belonged in my own family. My brother is 8 years older than me, so I barely know him; who wants to hang out with a 10-year-old when you're 18? My oldest sister is 5 years older; the age difference growing up was a little too wide for us as well-she loved The Gap and U2; I loved Hot Topic and Nine Inch Nails. My grandparents loved and raised us like we were their own, and even though they loved us unconditionally, they were not affectionate. We would hug Pop and say "I love you", and he'd pat our back and say "uh huh". My mom and dad are huggers. My siblings? Not so much. Hugging my brother and sister is awkward; it feels forced. Don't get me wrong, I love them-but we just never hugged or were verbally affectionate.

The sister I shared with my dad was only 2 years older than me; in theory we could play Barbies together, and listen to the same genre of music and go to the same school-in theory. My dad also had weekends with her, and either we didn't share the same weekend or she didn't come over. Eventually her mother remarried and her stepdad petitioned to adopt her. I was maybe 9 when this went down. I always thought, as I still do sometimes, that even though she was gone she was still my sister. I mean, it's not my fault that she got adopted, right? When I was 11, my own mother remarried and I was asked if I would also like to be adopted. By this time I hadn't seen all the opportunity my sister was able to receive by not having my dad as her dad, and I threw a FIT just even being asked. I would never do what she did and bail on my dad! That would make me a monster! Who cared that my dad didn't pay child support, or pick me up when he was supposed to! He lets me stay up until 3am! I get to watch scary movies! When I got engaged, my fiancé and I sat down with my mom and I casually asked her, "Mom, what made you marry my dad? I mean, I was in the damn wedding! Why didn't you just stay dating?", and she casually told me "It looked better if we married so your father could get full custody of your sister". Her words sank in, and just ended up a checkmark on the list in my head on why I shouldn't be alive. Other reasons on that list? My parents and my siblings all got delivered by the same doctor and the same hospital. Before I was born, that doctor died. My sister and brother went to three schools in their entire lifetime; I went through twelve. My brother and sister both have no traces whatsoever of depression, and their kids all came out healthy with no developmental problems. Yeah, these reasons might sound trivial to you, but to me these are all rational and logical reasons why I feel God made a boo-boo.

Anyway, about the "long-lost" sister. I always tried to catch up with her. She lived a town away, and was only a couple years older, but it was like pulling teeth. I don't consider that her fault, I honestly believe that her mother wanted all residue of my side of the family dissolved in her brain. I came across a picture of her when I was 12 and she was 14. She was blonde, and slim, and tall; I was curly haired with braces and a flat chest. I immediately and instantly looked up to her. My oldest sister, well, I didn't look up to her per-se, knowing her dad was reliable and dependable and a DAD was proof enough she was a good person. My other sister for all I know could have been shooting up heroin in high school and I would still have thought she was AMAZING. She had this whole life, these prospects that I wasn't able to have. She went to a University. She double majored and then got accepted into medical school. My mom had to work double shifts to pay for my braces and counseling and summer camp that my dad promised to pitch in but never did. Not only did I feel like a black sheep for a) Not having the perfect life, b) Not having the perfect dad, but also for a) Not having perfect teeth like my brothers and sisters, b) Not having a perfect mental state like them either.

As an adult, I found my long-lost sister on the Internet, and to me she is still AMAZING. She is beautiful, in a state of great health, and livin' the dream. I am terrified to ask her if she thinks of me as her sister. Her mother ended up having another child, and even though his blood and my blood are in equal proportions towards her, I have no doubt they are brother and sister.

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  1. Wow, Hed. Seems like a tough childhood. Have you met your sister in real life? Or do you just communicate on the internet?

  2. I haven't seen her in person since I was maybe 12? It's funny too because the whole time she lived a town away from me. We are Facebook friends, but she is a super busy girl so I try and just watch her from afar. I feel weird commenting on her stuff or popping in and saying "hi"...

  3. Hed...Maybe your sister feels that she would be interrupting your life if she popped in to it too? You should give her a chance.

    I'm sorry that your childhood was full of such turmoil for you. Parents just don't think about the affects of divorce, re-marrying, divorcing and having more kids. I know it's hard for you to understand this because of all the inner turmoil and bi-polar depression but you are one amazing and likeable young lady. You've got so much to offer to others. Friendship, faithfulness, talent and lots of love. Your background was similiar in some ways of my husbands and he came out just fine. Give your sister a shot!

  4. Don't put off trying to see her Hed. Take the step and it may be the happiest thing you ever tried. I just have a gut feeling about this.

  5. Wow. It's crazy how complex families are these days. Now you're going to be living on a different continent from the husband that you actually love. We're all so far from each other. (I can say that because at this moment I'm in San Antonio and my husband is still in D.C.)

    Also, thanks for the heads up about the comments. I think I fixed it. But I was thinking you gave me the Shiny Turkey award instead of the Honest one. I promise I'll get to that one soon! Mainly because it's so cute and I want to put it up. :)

  6. Hed, I cannot say that I have endured anywhere near the amount of hardship you have encountered but I wanted to point out that through all of the negativity, you are still pushing ahead. You have stayed the course while many would have given up long ago.

    In my humble opinion, God is not into making mistakes. He simply gives us a choice, and in making a choice, we either make the mistake or excel in our purpose.

    I hope this finds you well.

  7. Barb-sometimes I wonder that, if she wants to hook up-there is a lot behind the scenes on her end, I'm sure-I'm about 99.9% positive that if me and my dad died in a horrible death, her mom would throw a party. Apparently before I was even born there was a LOT of shit that went with her mom and our dad.

    I love my mom and would want to always try and do what's best for her, you know? Maybe that's why we don't follow through on connecting...

    Odie-I'd love to, but now she lives in Colorado. So getting closer may have to be more of a phone/e-mail thing for now.

    FF-Thanks for the shout-out on your blog, even if it was a mistake! HAHAHAHAHAHA :) I don't know how often you get to see your hubs since you are up in the air, but I think if two people truly have a connection, things will work out. I think... :)

    ib-I'm sure trying at least! I'll be posting more archives for new readers, but negativity this last year has centered around my entire life. I'm hoping things tend to look up soon.

    PS-my readers are all KICK-ASS!!!


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